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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23128903">I Love You and I'm Sorry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/try_again_love/pseuds/try_again_love'>try_again_love</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amy Santiago Loves Jake Peralta, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Amy Santiago, Bisexual Jake Peralta, Depression, Established Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jake Peralta, Hurt/Comfort, Jake Peralta Loves Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta Needs a Hug, Jake Peralta is Bad at Feelings, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Whump</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:01:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,517</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23128903</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/try_again_love/pseuds/try_again_love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake hasn't been himself in forever. At least, that's what the squad thinks. Are they worrying over nothing or is Jake hiding something?</p><p>I'm going to try to post every Saturday (the first one is going to be on a Friday though), but I have a very busy life and can make no promises. </p><p>This takes place sometime after 7x06 (Trying). Everything from the beginning of the story on is an alternate timeline, but no past events have been changed. </p><p>Trigger Warnings will be on each chapter individually, stay safe loves!</p><p>Also posted on Wattpad.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>352</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: mental health problems, implied suicidal thoughts</b>
</p><p>-----</p><p>To everyone else, the day felt like it had been about a thousand hours long, but in Jake's mind, the days just blended into each other. He'd given up on trying to sort out what was when. The calendar in his bedroom still had October written on it. It was December. </p><p>At last, he collapsed onto his bed, not bothering to brush his teeth or change clothes. Even his jacket was still on. He had only stopped to kick off his shoes. </p><p>"Hey Jake!" He heard Amy call. He found himself ignoring her.</p><p>A few minutes later, he heard a soft knock on their bedroom door as Amy whispered his name. She found him in a heap under the covers. </p><p>"Jake, come on. Property Brothers is on," she giggled.  When Amy wasn't met with a response, she grabbed the blanket and swiftly pulled it over Jake's face, expecting to see a bright smile. But his face was completely blank.</p><p>"Jake, why aren't you answering me?" Amy questioned, her face still light but her tone betraying a note of worry.</p><p>"I was asleep," he lied.</p><p>"Your clothes are still on."</p><p>Jake rolled over to face the wall, "Look, just go watch without me. I'm tired." </p><p>Amy frowned, "Okay, fine."</p><p>* * *</p><p>Obviously, Amy did not watch Property Brothers (or any HGTV, for that matter) without Jake. As easy as it was for open-concept kitchens to seduce her, she was a loyal wife. Even then, she couldn't help but feel guilty, though she wasn't totally sure why. She couldn't really process her feelings when she was doing her best to ignore them.</p><p>As the guilt finally began to subside, the thought occurred to her that she hadn't even tried. Jake had been acting strangely for a while now. He didn't eat as much as he used to, well, except when he was eating <i>way</i> more than normal, and they hadn't had sex in forever. And, worrying her more than other things, she couldn't remember the last time she heard him laugh, not a real one, anyway. But despite all that, she hadn't even bothered to ask if he was okay. The realization caused tears to fall.</p><p>She quickly wiped them away, walking to the bathroom to get ahold of herself. She had work the next day, and it was almost 1 in the morning. Splashing cold water over her face, she took a deep breath and crawled into bed next to Jake. <i>I should ask him how he's doing again, give him a hug, anything</i>. She reached over to take his hand, only to find that he was fast asleep. </p><p>At least, she thought he was. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Amy's breathing steadied within 5 minutes, that's how Jake knew she had fallen asleep. He tried to sit up and clear his head, but his arms turned to jelly the second they tried to push him up, and his head felt like a sack of bricks. He winced quietly at the sharp pain in his skull, which quickly transformed into a dull, unyielding ache. All he could think was that it hurt so bad, not his head, but him. Tears streamed down his face, but he fought the urge to let a sound come out. The last thing he wanted was to wake Amy. <i>I've bothered her enough already</i>.</p><p>He stayed like that for a long time.</p><p>Like a single hanging lightbulb flickering on in a pitch dark room, an idea came to Jake.</p><p>Initially, Jake thought that the feeling it brought him was hope. But this wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't see a better place to run to, not a next chapter to read. If this had really been hope, he would've been inspired by the possibility of a brighter future. </p><p>Instead, he was comforted by the prospect of an end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, I write really short chapters, but no worries. There are going to be quite a few!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm going to be posting a little something every Friday (the day before full chapters come out) to accompany the story.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note </b>
</p><p>Ames,</p><p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, this was meant to be posted on Friday, but quarantine got surprisingly busy. The full chapter for this week will be going out tomorrow instead of yesterday. After that, the posting schedule will return to normal. Sorry!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Invisible</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: mental health issues, self-harm</b>
</p><p>-----</p><p>For the thousandth time that morning, Amy told herself that today was the day she would find out that all her worries had been for no reason, none at all. Jake was fine, he really was just tired last night. Today, he would be back to normal.</p><p>But as Amy watched Charles charge up to Jake, expecting a chuckle, a laugh, even just an eye-roll from her husband, his face remained blank and empty. Charles didn't seem to notice though.</p><p>"Jake, Jake. You'll never guess what Nikolaj did!" He was out of breath, panting like a dog. His eyes sparkled, which made Jake's look even sadder.</p><p>"Santiago, is something wrong?" Amy turned to see Terry approaching her. </p><p>"It's nothing," she said with hesitation, "but, I don't know. Does Jake seem off to you?"</p><p>Terry glanced over at Jake and Charles, who was going on about how Nikolaj had finally tried his cooking. "Now that you mention it, he has been acting a little strange," his brow furrowed, but when he saw the concern on Amy's face intensify, he added, "I'm sure it's nothing too serious, but just in case, I'll keep an eye out for him today." </p><p>A small, forced smile crossed Amy's face, "Thanks, Sarge."</p><p>* * *</p><p>When Jake saw Amy usher the Sarge away, his first thought was <i>aw shit, she's on to me.</i> He reprimanded himself quickly. <i>First of all,</i> he reminded himself, <i>they're not talking about you because no one cares because you suck. Second, even if she was worried, you're afraid she'll find out something's wrong, not that you hurt her. You hurt her. You hurt her. You hurt her. <b>You idiot, you hurt her.</b></i> </p><p>One small, rational piece in the back of his brain knew that none of this was true, but it was easily overshadowed by the larger, "you suck" part. He didn't even register the temperate voice telling him that the rest of his brain was full of crap. </p><p>No, all he knew was that he, Jake Peralta, was full of crap. </p><p>Without thinking, he rolled the sleeve of his shirt up and took the freshly sharpened pencil of Amy's that had rolled onto his desk and he scratched his wrist with it. Hard. Then he realized what he'd done. He was so incredibly disappointed in himself. He was supposed to be tough, and strong, and he was supposed to be able to help people, but he couldn't even help himself. No, not help himself, he couldn't even cope with the fact that he was a crappy person and he didn't deserve a single one of the great things that had walked into his life. He was a sad, ungrateful excuse for a person.</p><p>So he kept going, and by the time he was done, a few drops of blood collected lazily at the cuts, not even large enough to trickle down his wrist like most bleeding wounds did. Mentally, Jake added that to the list of reasons that he was a failure. He couldn't even hurt himself enough to convince his blood to bleed. </p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Amy walking back to her desk. As quickly as he could, he shoved the pencil, slightly red on the tip, into a desk drawer and rolled his sleeve back down. Realizing that he had not in the slightest been inconspicuous about it, he let the trapped air out of his chest and casually buttoned the sleeve, making sure it wouldn't slip. </p><p>He was right though, nobody really cared. Amy didn't notice the missing pencil, nor the way that Jake's arm stayed glued to his side for the rest of the day. It was like he was invisible, and as much as that hurt him, he decided it was better that way.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note </b>
</p><p>Ames,</p><p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you</i>, Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Bridge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one is a little bit longer than the other chapters, I hope you like it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>Trigger Warning: suicide (no graphic details)</b> </p><p>Jake sat at his desk, doing his best to focus on paperwork and ignore the thought that was burning a hole in his head. Since last Tuesday, when he'd stolen one of Amy's pencils and, well, he didn't want to use the word, he couldn't stop thinking of when he could do it again. He found it was easiest to sneak into the bathroom in the middle of the night and lock the door. After all, Amy slept like a rock, so it wasn't hard.</p><p>Just when he was about to give up and go to the bathroom again to examine the scabs, the Captain called Jake and Rosa into his office. </p><p>"I need you two to head down to the Brooklyn Bridge, we've received word of a potential suicide victim."</p><p>Jake froze for a split second before asking, "Wait, so you want us to, like, talk them off the bridge? Don't the uniformed officers usually take those calls?"</p><p>Rosa shot him a baffled glance as Holt replied, "They're understaffed today and very busy. Is that going to be a problem?"</p><p>Jake chuckled nervously. "Of course not, sir."</p><p>"Well then, you best get going. You don't have all day."</p><p>"Oh, yeah, right. See ya!" Jake rushed out as Rosa and Holt shared a look of "what was that?"</p><p>* * *</p><p>Jake and Rosa were on the road when Jake's hands started to shake on the steering wheel. He prayed she wouldn't notice, though a small part of him wanted her to. She didn't.</p><p>"What the hell was that back there?" </p><p>"Uh, what do you mean?" Jake questioned innocently, but Rosa didn't buy it. </p><p>"In Holt's office, you were acting weird."</p><p>"No I wasn't!" He said, just a little bit too defensively. All Rosa had to do was raise an eyebrow. </p><p>"Okay fine, I was weird. I just haven't done one of these in a while, it's nothing." Somehow, Rosa managed to raise her eyebrow even higher, but no further questions came. They drove the rest of the way in silence, allowing Jake to sink back into his thoughts.</p><p>* * *</p><p>When they arrived, it was difficult to spot the suspect through the fog. Jake crossed his arms as a chill swept through him, the bitter wind only accounting for part of it. </p><p>When they finally found them, Rosa turned back to face Jake, "Are you sure you can do this?"</p><p>"Of course I can."</p><p>"Okay, but if you get in there and lose it, I'm not picking up your slack." Both Jake and Rosa knew that, of course, she would.</p><p>They approached the suspect, a young man, probably in his early 20s.  </p><p>Rosa started calmly, "Hey, how are you?" Jake stood silently behind her.</p><p>"Terrible," he said, his voice full of cynicism.</p><p>"Why?" Rosa's voice was open and kind, inviting him to talk to her.</p><p>"Nobody cares," he shrugged, like it was nothing.</p><p>"We care, don't we? We're here after all."</p><p>"Oh please, you're only here because it's your job."</p><p>"So what? I chose my job. I put myself through the Academy because I want to help people. I want to help you," she answered simply.</p><p>"Whatever, this is still just something your boss told you to do."</p><p>"Look man, just talk to me for a few minutes, okay?"</p><p>"Fine, I'll talk," he pointed to Jake, "But I only want to talk to him."</p><p>Rosa barely caught Jake stiffening behind her, but before she could argue, Jake relaxed. "Fine by me."</p><p>Considering her options, Rosa realized the only thing she could do was to walk back to the car and wait. She could hardly make out the two figures on the bridge. As she watched them, she wondered to herself what was going on. <i>Why was Jake acting so weird? I know we don't have to go on these calls often, but he's done them before and I was with him when they trained us for this stuff. He was fine. So what changed?</i></p><p>* * *</p><p>"Are you married? Do you have kids?" Jake was searching for something to cling to.</p><p>"Nope," said the man. Though his tone was neutral, Jake saw the pain in his face. But Jake didn't know how to convince him not to jump when he was considering something of the sort himself. </p><p>"What about your parents? Siblings? Friends? You must have someone," Jake pressed on, trying to keep his own thoughts out of his head.</p><p>"Parents disowned me because I'm gay, I don't have any siblings, and as for friends... In case you haven't noticed, I'm not the most approachable guy," he paused, "Well, I do have a boyfriend."</p><p>"What's he like?" And that was all it took to make the guy talk. Suddenly his face lit up as he described the person he loved most in the world. For almost half an hour, Jake and David, that was the man's name, laughed as David talked about his boyfriend, and Jake told a few stories about Amy. </p><p>But then a switch flipped, and he said, "That's why I have to go. He deserves someone so much better than me." Jake didn't know how to respond to that.</p><p>But he didn't have to. Before he could say anything, David was gone.</p><p>* * *</p><p>It had looked like Jake was making progress, so Rosa had made the executive decision to stop watching so intently. Jake would be fine, maybe he really was just being weird. She put in her headphones and shut her eyes for a minute, listening to an audiobook, but when she realized nearly 2 hours had gone by, her eyes scrambled to find Jake and the man.</p><p><i>Damn, it's so freakin' foggy,</i> she thought to herself, only able to find one of the figures, Jake's, in the mist. Then she realized, there was only one of them. Jake was sitting alone on the Brooklyn Bridge, staring out at the river, which had been turned dark by looming clouds.</p><p>As Rosa ran to him, she started to see the details of his face. First, she noticed the tears that fell from his face, then the way he clutched the sleeves of his shirt as if the second he let go, the world would fall apart. Lastly, she noticed that his eyes looked different, like windows. Rosa could see straight through them. Jake had always seemed so cheerful, sometimes so much that it annoyed her a little bit to be around him, but now, through his eyes, she saw him, and all she saw was pain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry if I wrote David poorly, I don't have a lot of experience with that kind of thing. I hope it worked out!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Part 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note </b>
</p><p>Ames,</p><p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you</i>, Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you. I swear you were the only thing that made me wait this long. I wish I could've been good enough to deserve you. You're the best thing in my life (don't tell Charles I said that).</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Wolf</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Trigger Warning: starving, panic attacks</strong>
</p><p>The whole squad knew that something was wrong with Jake, and that something had been off with him for a long time, but this was the first time that they discussed it as a group, with everyone present, even Gina. She was on a hiatus from the G-Hive, and naturally, she had decided to spend her time off at the Nine-Nine.</p><p>"If there is a predicament regarding Detective Peralta, I would like to be made aware of it," Captain Holt announced. When everyone turned to him, he added, "Because he is a member of my detective squad and I would want to be cognizant of any factor that might affect his professional performance." Though he appeared perfectly calm, it was as flustered as anyone in the ninety-ninth precinct had ever seen their captain.</p><p>"Dude, you don't have to be embarrassed about the fact that you care about Jake, we all do. None of us would be in this room if we didn't." Now it was Rosa's turn to be stared at.</p><p>"Yeah, I care. It's weird. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Get over it." Charles chuckled and Rosa (what she considered "lightly") punched him in the arm. Charles attempted to stifle a yelp.</p><p>"Alright, moving on," Amy rolled her eyes, "we all know something is up with Jake-"</p><p>"Definitely," Charles interrupted, "he didn't touch the quetzal beak stir-fry I offered him for lunch yesterday."</p><p>"No offense, but not even I want to try that, and Terry's open-minded."</p><p>"He said he loved it last time, he ate a whole plate of it!"</p><p>"Okay gurl, if you say so," Gina said, pursing her lips dismissively. Charles looked down at his feet.</p><p>Rosa turned to Amy, who was staring pensively at the wall, "Santiago, what is it?"</p><p>"Well," she hesitated, "Charles might be onto something."</p><p>Charles looked just as shocked as everybody else, "Wait, really?"</p><p>Amy nodded, "It's just, last night at dinner he just kind of picked at his food, and he'd barely touched it. Then, he said he wasn't hungry and that he was going to bed."</p><p>"He wasn't hungry? That's it, I solved the case."</p><p>"What Hitchcock?"</p><p>"There is definitely something wrong with Jake."</p><p>"That's why we're here in the first place, dum-dum," Rosa threw her head into her hands, exasperatedly.</p><p>"Well, yeah, he solved-"</p><p>"Scully, shut up," Rosa growled.</p><p>"Hitchcock, Scully, I think it is best if the two of you take the rest of today off," said Holt.</p><p>"Thanks captain!"</p><p>Amy broke the silence that Hitchcock and Scully had left in their wake, "I think that's the fastest I've ever seen them move."</p><p>* * *</p><p>"G'morning, Ames."</p><p>"Jake? You're never awake before me," Amy said, the corners of her mouth turning upwards.</p><p>"Yeah, it sucks. I am so not a morning person, but Holt wanted me early for a case. It's a major drug bust," Jake's voice turned sing-songy at the last part.</p><p>"It's not a bust until you catch the guy," Amy said smugly.</p><p>"Trust me, it's gonna be." Jake smiled with excitement, but it looked forced.</p><p>Remembering her conversation with the squad yesterday, Amy segued as nonchalantly as she could into questioning him, "Did you eat something?"</p><p>Jake pointed to a bowl of Cheerios on the countertop next to the sink, the dregs of milk remaining at the bottom, and 2 Cheerios stuck to the inside, "Yeah, I downed, like, half the box." He laughed. "Ight imma head out," he said as he stood in the doorway, shooting awkward finger guns at Amy. She just put her head in her hands and snorted, both with annoyance and affection. She grabbed a cup of coffee before returning to her bedroom to shower and get dressed.</p><p>When she came out, she poured herself some Cheerios from the box, which was full, sighing with satisfaction at the prospect of not having to go buy more for at least a few days.</p><p>After breakfast, she left without a second thought.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Jake listened to Holt, who was telling him about the case, trying desperately to ignore the pangs in his stomach and the way it felt like it was sucking in on itself.</p><p>"Peralta, are you alright?"</p><p>"Uhhhhhh yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"</p><p>"You seemed distant for a brief period of time."</p><p>"Whoops, yeah, I spaced out. Totally wasn't paying attention there." Jake smiled in a way that should've been infuriating to the captain, but instead, he had to feign it to hide his concern.</p><p>"Moving on," Holt continued. As Holt carefully explained the case that should've filled Jake with adrenaline, each detail filled him with dread. As soon as Holt dismissed him, he went to the men's bathroom, which, fortunately, was empty. He allowed himself to slump against the wall, clutching his stomach. <em>How the hell am I going to make it through today?</em></p><p>* * *</p><p>When Jake took his fifth bathroom break of that day, Gina knew she had to follow him. She'd been dropping hints all day, asking him if he was okay, sending him vines (from the good old days), she even told him that since Amy had to do a stakeout overnight, he could stay over. She wanted him to pick up on the fact that she knew something was wrong because as soon as he knew that she knew, he would know that she would know that he would know that he could not lie to her. Nobody lies to Gina Linetti, especially not Jake Peralta, who she'd known for so long, she'd lost count of the years (just kidding, she knew the number, but it was more fun and dramatic to pretend she didn't).</p><p>But now it was time to go straight in for the kill, like her wolf spirit had been ready to do since the day Gina was born. She strode into the bathroom confidently, ready for battle, but when she opened the door, she was quickly reminded that she wasn't here for war, she was here to help someone who needed her.</p><p>Of course, her best friend curled into the fetal position on the dirty bathroom floor, crying, was a pretty tough reminder to miss.</p><p>The gut-wrenching sobs coming from Jake paused as he tried to suppress a groan. He didn't even notice Gina standing in the doorway.</p><p>"Oh boo, what's wrong?"</p><p>Jake looked up and froze. He considered running out of the bathroom, but Gina was blocking the entrance. Instead, he settled for disappearing as fast as he could into one of the bathroom stalls and locking it.</p><p>He couldn't escape from Gina though, he couldn't escape from anyone. All Gina had to do was knock, and the door swung open.</p><p>"Gurl, this is a public bathroom in America. How much did you really expect from that lock?" Jake sniffled quietly in response.</p><p>Now that Gina was up close with him, she could see what a hot mess he was. His face was puffy and his eyes were bloodshot and red, but besides that, he just looked sad, and scared, and tired.</p><p>"Jake, what's going on?" As Gina suspected he would, Jake took one look at her and knew that his childhood friend would settle for nothing less than the truth, but he didn't have the slightest idea how to tell her. He burst into tears all over again.</p><p>Gina put an arm around him and gently pulled him towards her. She tried to take his hand with her free one, but he wouldn't remove it from his stomach. In fact, he flinched when she touched it.</p><p>"Jake," Gina started, her voice finally filling with the worry that she had been trying to hold back.</p><p>But Jake cut her off, "I can't!"</p><p>For the next ten minutes, that was all Jake said (actually, he didn't <em>say</em> it so much as yell it). Finally, Gina cupped his cheek with her hand and turned his head to face her.</p><p>"Dude, you have to tell me what's going on."</p><p>"I don't have to, you don't-"</p><p>"Yes, you do. I know you gurl and if you don't tell me you're just going to repress it and ignore it until it kills you."</p><p>"Why are you always right?" Jake sighed. "Fine, I skipped lunch." Gina raised an eyebrow.</p><p>"And breakfast." She pursed her lips.</p><p>"And dinner last night." She shot him a look that can only be described as pissed.</p><p>"And lunch yesterday, but that's it I swear!" Her face softened.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>She thought he wasn't going to respond until she heard him under his breath, "I dunno."</p><p>"Jake, are you anorexic? You're not fat. Beauty standards are BS anyway. Literally, Beauty Standards, BS."</p><p>Jake shook his head, "No, no, that's not it. It's not a looks thing..."</p><p>"Then what is it?"</p><p>Jake's voice came out quiet, barely a whisper, "I just wanted it to hurt." He looked down, avoiding her gaze. Gina could practically see the cloud of shame that came over him.</p><p>"Honey, you could seriously hurt yourself. There are acids in there, you know," she said, poking his stomach, only to watch him grimace in response.</p><p>"It feels like my body is eating itself." Jake tried to joke, but Gina couldn't miss the way his voice cracked in the middle of the sentence.</p><p>She made him promise her that he would eat something before he left work, and she insisted that she was serious about letting him crash at her place. She knew she should've done more, asked him more questions, maybe forced him to open up, tried to offer him actual help, but she had no idea what to do. So, she took his hand and walked him out of the bathroom, but not before pulling him into a tight hug.</p><p>To Jake, the gesture said more than enough.</p><p>* * *</p><p>It was 2:17 in the morning when Jake Peralta showed up at her door.</p><p>"Daaaaamn Jake, you look like a ghost!" Gina was going for joke-insulting, but her voice came out dripping with concern.</p><p>Jake didn't respond. He was, in fact, white as a sheet and silent tears streamed down his face. Slowly, Gina led him into her apartment and sat him down on her couch. He collapsed instantaneously, leading Gina to carefully place his head onto her lap. She couldn't tell how long they stayed like that. It could've been 10 minutes or it could've been an hour when Jake's ragged breathing finally evened out.</p><p>She barely heard him speak, she couldn't make out any of the words. "What?"</p><p>Then, slightly louder, he told her, "I broke my promise." She could see the guilt that flowed through him, but it seemed that his eyes had no more tears left to give. This was the second time that he'd cried that day (that she knew of, anyway).</p><p>"Jake, what are you talking about?"</p><p>"I told you I would eat before I left work," he paused for a moment before absolutely breaking, "I'm so sorry Gina. I'm the worst." Gina was wrong about Jake being all cried out.</p><p>Before she could stop herself, Gina laughed. "Wow gurl, you must have an infinite water supply back there." As soon as she said it, she almost regretted it (almost, Gina Linetti has no regrets). Thankfully, Jake laughed in response. It was muted and broken, but it was a laugh. Gina counted it as a win.</p><p>Without saying anything, she removed Jake's head from her lap and got up. He assumed that she was going to bed, leaving him alone to cry on her couch, but then he saw her open a cabinet and pull out a Cup O'Noodles. Within 5 minutes, she was back at the couch, with a warm cup of original chicken flavor ramen, placing it in front of Jake. She helped him into an upright position and handed him a spoon.</p><p>Jake knew he shouldn't. He deserved to feel the pain that he had brought upon himself. Hell, he deserved worse than that for all the crap he'd done in his life. But this time, the small, rational piece of his brain- somewhere in the back- telling him that none of that was true won him over. He took a little bit of the broth and put it to his lips, instantly burning his mouth.</p><p>"Hasdfdhahashhasdfkasfh;jhfdsjhafksdh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," Jake stuck his tongue out. Gina laughed at him, and before he knew it he was laughing too, so much that the two of them were both doubled over, nearly falling off of the couch. For the first time, not being able to breathe felt good. By the time they'd had gotten a hold of themselves (it took a few tries), the cup was the perfect temperature for eating. When he was done, Gina made two cups of hot chocolate- both with equally unholy amounts of marshmallows- for them to drink.</p><p>"Okay, you ready to talk now?"</p><p>"No," Jake sighed, "but I can try."</p><p>Jake spent the next twenty minutes trying to explain the weight in his chest, the sense of failure that was both constant and crushing, even more so than his Crushing Debt™, and the emptiness that overcame him with little-to-no rhyme or reason. He had no idea if Gina was understanding any of it. He barely got it himself. But when he was done spilling his guts, she gave him a small nod.</p><p>She lent him a pair of pajamas, a Taylor Swift t-shirt and a pair of leopard-print pants, and led him to her bed. This wouldn't be the first time that they'd slept in the same bed, they'd known each other since forever. It had never been weird and it wasn't weird now. For that, Jake was grateful because he didn't think he could handle any more emotions.</p><p>He didn't know what he would've done without Gina. She sat up next to him and rubbed his shoulders to ease the tension when he couldn't sleep, and she didn't complain when he woke up the next two times, sweating and unable to breathe. Actually, she held him close to her in a protective position until he relaxed again. She made him breakfast in the morning, pancakes with butter and maple syrup. Jake had eaten it gratefully, able to ignore the nauseous sensation that arose at the thought of letting himself have anything nice. She'd driven him back to his apartment, and insisted on staying while he got ready. "Look boo, I only came because you have Nana's old coffee machine," she'd said. Jake didn't believe her for a second, but he let it slide because she was right, it was a damn good coffee machine, and no one makes better coffee than Gina Linetti.</p><p>They were in the car driving to the precinct when Jake let out a long sigh.</p><p>"You okay?" Gina said, only taking her eyes off the road for a second.</p><p>"Yeah, I am. Actually, I'm the okayest I've been in a while."</p><p>That made both of them smile.</p><p>"Gina, you're perfect."</p><p>"Well doi, of course I am, and don't you forget it. But you know, you're pretty great too."</p><p>"Thanks." Then Jake laughed, a real one. It was deep and hearty, and it made Gina realize how sad it was that his laugh had been stolen from the world, but twice as happy to know that it was possible to bring it back again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, this chapter came out way longer than any of my other ones. This might be the new normal, I don't know, I kind of just write whatever makes sense in my head and however long it ends up being is how long it ends up being. </p><p>Hope you like it :).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Part 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note </b>
</p><p>Ames,</p><p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you</i>, Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you. I swear you were the only thing that made me wait this long. I wish I could've been good enough to deserve you. You're the best thing in my life (don't tell Charles I said that).</p><p>As for why (as for??? i sound so pretentious????), I just can't take it anymore. I need this to be over. I did some research, Ames. I think I have Depression.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Anxiety</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: mental illness</b>
</p><p>Jake felt the familiar nerves settling down inside his stomach. Amy was driving him to therapy, he'd been going for a few weeks now. It wasn't Dr. Walker, she was great. Jake liked her a lot. She was easy- well, easier than most people (the bar was very low)- to talk to. He just hated having to talk about his problems. It was like standing in front of someone naked, but like, for your soul. He was pretty sure he would rather have to actually be naked.</p><p>"Woah, Jake. Are you okay?" Jake had gone pale, and his head was spinning. He realized that he'd contorted his face into an expression that looked something like the Nauseated Face Emoji. He felt himself lose control of his breathing.</p><p>"Jake, do you need me to pull over?"</p><p>Jake scrambled for the words. "No, I'm all good. I just got a little dizzy for a hot sec there. I'm fine, everything's fine," Jake said, even as his breaths came shorter and his knuckles were white from gripping the armrest. Amy stared pointedly at him but didn't press any further. </p><p>Now, as Jake sat in the waiting room, he wished more than anything that he had told her yes, maybe made up some story about how he felt sick and should probably go home. His leg bounced rapidly, trying to expel the nervous energy. </p><p>"Hello Jake, come on in," said Dr. Walker. </p><p>"Hi, Valerie." Jake sat down on the couch. </p><p>"How are you doing?" Jake cringed. He hated how when Valerie asked, he couldn't just say "good" and move on. He hated how he had to really think about how he was. He hated how he had to decide what to tell her, how much to reveal, and how he couldn't shake the fear that he was being judged. He hated everything about this. He wanted to stay silent, to never answer her, but the longer he waited, the more she would think that he wasn't okay. </p><p>"I'm good."</p><p>"What do you want to talk about today?" <i>Dammit.</i> Jake squirmed under Valerie's gaze. He didn't even know why. He knew, logically, that she wouldn't care what he said, she wouldn't think he was weird or creepy or out of his mind. <i>Wow, my nerves are real bad today.</i></p><p>"Jake?" He looked up. "You just seemed a little out of it. So, what do you want to talk about today?" Most days, Jake would just tell her he didn't know, or he would start a random, insignificant conversation just to stall. Today, he panicked. For the second time in the past half hour, Jake's breathing spiraled out of control. </p><p>"What are you feeling right now?"</p><p>
  <em>I can't do it anymore, I can't just tell her I'm fine. I don't know what to do. </em>
</p><p>"I'm scared." Jake didn't know what he was doing, telling her that. He was a grown man, he shouldn't be losing it over having to talk to someone. </p><p>"Do you know why?"</p><p>"It's stupid."</p><p>"Your feelings aren't stupid." </p><p>"I..." Jake stopped. He couldn't find the words, "I don't like talking to people."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>Internally, Jake screamed. Of course, it was her job, but if Valerie asked him one more question, he thought he might die. </p><p>"Because."</p><p>Valerie looked at him, clearly not satisfied with his answer. Scarcely loud enough to be heard, Jake admitted, "What if they judge me?"Jake really thought he was going to die now.<i> I never should have said anything, why did I do that? God, why am I still allowed to talk?</i></p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>"Who's they? Is it medical professionals, figures of authority, just me?"</p><p>"No, it's everyone."</p><p>"Can you give me an example?"</p><p>"Well, this is super embarrassing, but... The other night, I was out for dinner with Amy. I freaked out about ordering. I had to ask her to order for me." Jake looked down, avoiding eye contact. </p><p>Valerie continued to ask questions, and Jake continued to try and answer them. Jake told her that he felt awkward about how his voice sounded, the price of the menu item that he'd chosen, if he tripped on a word or mispronounced something, how much food he was ordering, and what the waiter thought of it. He told her about other encounters too, from phone calls to doctor's appointments. He told her how he would sweat, and stutter, and how he wouldn't be able to breathe.</p><p>"That sounds like anxiety."</p><p>"Is that normal?"</p><p>"To some degree it is, too much of it can become a problem. Either way, I can help you manage it. I can teach you some techniques to help you live with it."</p><p>"Live with it, you mean I'm going to be like this my whole life?"</p><p>"Anxiety is a feeling that everybody struggles with. I can't make it go away, but it will get easier."</p><p>Jake and Valerie spent the rest of the session discussing some basic techniques, with Jake talking as little as possible. He couldn't help wondering how everybody else dealt with this just fine, but he couldn't do it on his own. </p><p>When Jake got home, he holed himself up in his room with his laptop and did some research of his own. A quick google search led to hundreds of results about anxiety disorders. Scrolling through list after list of symptoms, he found a few notables: nausea, trouble breathing, dizziness or lightheadedness, crippling fear of being judged, etc. It didn't take him long to come across depression either. </p><p>Jake felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He read stories, articles, blog posts from people who had been diagnosed. This was exactly what he had felt. Well, he didn't know that. He was not about to be one of those self-diagnosing assholes who turned a serious illness into a joke, but something in him knew that this was it. There was no other explanation. </p><p>On one hand, it felt good to know there was a reason (maybe). It was nice to know that he wasn't alone, that it wasn't just him. On the other, Jake's entire world came crashing down. Even though a part of him knew that wasn't how it worked, he felt like he was doomed to be sad and scared forever. He was right, there was something really, <i>really</i> wrong with him. </p><p>And of course, there was still the part of him that believed nothing was actually wrong and he was just being a baby. </p><p>Jake burst out laughing. <i>I've been through some serious crap. I've been threatened by hardened criminals (not to mention the whole Figgis incident). I had to go to witness protection in Florida of all places (ew). My own girlfriend shot me, which, to be fair, was because I told her to. I went to freaking prison. After all that, the thing that breaks me... is Sad Disease? And wait, it gets better. The Sad Disease makes me feel bad about having the Sad Disease, and about thinking I have the Sad Disease, and also about not having the Sad Disease, all at the same time? Seriously?</i></p><p>
  <i>You've got to be freakin' kidding me.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey y'all,</p><p>This chapter was seriously hard to write, the hardest one yet. I don't know why, I guess it was just really weird to describe all of this because it's a super emotional experience and most of it takes place inside Jake's head so I couldn't really tell it through dialogue... This definitely isn't the best chapter in the story but I really hope that you guys enjoy it anyway because it was quite the little #!&amp;*% to write. I tried my best.</p><p>Thanks for understanding and for all your support! </p><p>- try_again_love</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Part 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note</b>
</p>
<p>Ames,</p>
<p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you</i>, Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you. I swear you were the only thing that made me wait this long. I wish I could've been good enough to deserve you. You're the best thing in my life (don't tell Charles I said that).</p>
<p>As for why (as for??? i sound so pretentious????), I just can't take it anymore. I need this to be over. I did some research, Ames. I think I have Depression. I mean, there must be something wrong with me, because no person is meant to feel like this. It hurts so bad Ames. It's killing me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Snow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: panic attacks, self-harm, mental illness</b>
</p>
<p>Nobody worried when Jake was late for work. Honestly, they probably would've been more concerned if he'd showed up on time. He'd left the apartment (still in pajamas) to go get him and his wife some coffee. But even then, even Amy- and she was the queen of unprecedented panicking- didn't worry when it had been an hour, he still hadn't shown up, and he wasn't answering his cell. I mean, this was Jake she was talking about. For all she knew, despite the fact that there was none when he left, there was a traffic jam because goddammit this was Jake Peralta and it was a natural law of the universe that Jake Peralta <i>had</i> to be late. </p>
<p>An hour became two hours, and still, no one worried.</p>
<p>Then two hours became three hours, and then four. </p>
<p>Four hours was what did it. </p>
<p>At about 11:02, Terry wandered casually into the bullpen. "Hey, have any of you seen Jake? This is nuts, even for him."</p>
<p>"You can skip the chill part, everybody's already lost their shit," deadpanned Rosa. </p>
<p>"Yes. Santiago's respiration rate has increased by a factor of 8.7 in the last 22 seconds and Boyle appears to be showing symptoms of pre cardiac arrest. Of course, I'm sure you can see that I am a blubbering disaster,"  said the captain. </p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>Within the next 5-10 minutes, they had a plan. Only Diaz and Boyle were going to go out and search, after all, the precinct had to get some police work done. They couldn't put all their effort into this search, especially since there was still a chance that Jake was absolutely fine and he'd just spilled coffee on his shirt and had to go back and change and also to get more coffee or something Jake-ish like that. </p>
<p>But they weren't really holding out hope. They'd decided to send Diaz in case Jake was in danger, which made sense. Boyle was the risky choice. He was good enough at handling trouble, but the squad's hunch was that this had something to do with Jake's strange behavior over the past few weeks. He had definitely been hiding something, and Boyle was definitely the type who might freak him out and overwhelm him if this was a personal problem, but he also might help to counter Rosa's lack of emotions and he would do anything for Jake. </p>
<p>They'd considered sending Gina, but they needed somebody to stay and keep everyone together, which Gina was both surprisingly and unsurprisingly good at. They'd opted not to send Amy for similar reasons, along with the fact that she, in spite of being the closest to Peralta, was the most likely to be productive and functioning in the face of her stress. </p>
<p>Diaz and Boyle started the search in the most obvious place: Jake's apartment. They did not find him there. </p>
<p>"Of course he wouldn't be here. You know, lost things are always found in the last place you look," Boyle mused.</p>
<p>"Obviously you find stuff in the last place you look. Why the hell would you keep looking after you find it, dum-dum?" Boyle opened his mouth to argue, but Rosa shot him down with a glare.</p>
<p>After that, they drove to the coffee shop. He wasn't there either. </p>
<p>"Alright, we'll split up. You go that way," Rosa pointed. Charles replied with a solemn nod.</p>
<p>As Rosa strolled through the snow-covered streets of Brooklyn, she did not worry and she was never going to have to awkwardly deny that she had feelings while everybody rolled their eyes at her obvious lie because she did not worry, she did not have feelings, and she would not have to lie. Even if there was a tiny chance that she would, she was too good at it to be conspicuous. Plus, she was known to punch anyone who dared rolled their eyes at her. Anyways, it wasn't like the snow was coming down in big, heavy flakes that weighed down her eyelashes and soaked through her beanie. It wasn't like she'd almost fallen flat on her face a bunch of times because the roads were covered in ice. It wasn't like it was so cold that if she were anyone but Rosa Diaz she might have shivered. </p>
<p>She wandered the city for what felt like forever. It was strange to see it like this, nearly deserted. Brooklyn had always been a city that seemed ready to burst at the seams with human life, but now it was quiet. She could see only 5 people, a huge difference from the regular 30 that encroached on her personal space from every angle imaginable. </p>
<p>She passed another alleyway. It wasn't special, it was just like the other 8 she'd passed already, but her gut told her to check this one, so she did. </p>
<p>
  <i><b>To Charles:</b> Found him. Go back to the precinct.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i><b>Charles:</b> Thank god where are you? I'll come right away</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i><strong>To Charles:</strong> No. Go back to the precinct.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Charles: </strong>Whyyyyyyy is he okay</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><b>To Charles: </b>I don't know.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>To Charles: </strong>Just go back to the precinct, okay?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <i><strong>Charles: </strong>Oh... ok. What do I tell Amy?</i>
</p>
<p>Rosa didn't know how to answer that. </p>
<p>
  <i>
    <strong>Read 12:42 PM</strong>
  </i>
</p>
<p>Yeah, that ought to do it. </p>
<p>Back to the task at hand, Rosa had indeed found Jake in the alleyway. She watched him from afar. He was sitting up against the wall, shaking like a leaf. It was no wonder, the temperature was in the single digits and the dumbass didn't even have a coat on. She couldn't make out many details, but from what she could tell, he was crying. </p>
<p>She quickly discovered she was wrong about that. As she approached him, she realized that in no sense of the word could you call what Jake was doing "crying." That just didn't do it justice. Violent waves of emotion wracked his body, rendering him unable to control it. And Rosa was glad she couldn't fully hear the sounds coming out of him due to the sheets of snow that plummeted down. </p>
<p>"Peralta, oh my god." Rosa sat down next to him, taking off her coat and wrapping it around him. It was no big deal, she had another coat and warm layers on underneath, but he just had his button-down, which at this point was thoroughly soaked with melted snow. </p>
<p>She pulled him close, trying to warm his chilled body. He looked up at her, and the look in his eyes was indescribable. She remembered the way that she saw inside him after the suicide call to the Brooklyn Bridge. This was ten times worse. </p>
<p>"Jake, what the hell?" Rosa said, trying her best at worry, but coming off more mad. </p>
<p>Jake tried to speak but his words were indistinguishable. His breathing was choked and desperate and horrible. He wailed, the wretched sound reverberating in Rosa's chest. It took every fiber of Rosa's being to keep from punching him to shut him up and then pulling him in for a hug and never letting go. Well, she did the second part, ignoring how embarrassing it would be if anybody saw her. </p>
<p>"Dude, you're gonna get hypothermia if we don't go somewhere, okay?" She tried to help him to his feet, and he tried twice as hard to keep himself standing, but his legs gave out underneath him. </p>
<p>"Jake, please." Neither Jake or Rosa would ever say a word about it, but both of them noticed her voice crack with fear. </p>
<p>Rosa tried again to make him stand, this time bearing as much of his weight as she could. He leaned heavily into her, and together they staggered to the nearest building, the Fairview Inn. Rosa booked a room for the day and stumbled her way to it, at this point practically carrying Jake. </p>
<p>Rosa set the shivering detective down on the bed. Carefully, she unbuttoned his frozen shirt and started to peel it off of him. Jake grabbed her hand to stop her.</p>
<p>"No!" he shouted, his mouth forcing out the word. </p>
<p>"Jake, I have to get it off. It's okay," Rosa said. Jake shook his head. She tried again to remove the shirt, but he struggled, pushing her away. She kept ahold of the shirt and pulled it. Jake screamed.</p>
<p>Rosa stepped back, shocked. He was still screaming, and crying, and trying to yell out words. With every second, he curled further into himself. </p>
<p>Not knowing what else to do, Rosa grabbed Jake's head, careful not to hurt him, and turned it towards her. Firmly, she said, "Listen up. I am going to take the shirt off, and you are going to let me. We are going to deal with whatever this is together. Got it?" Jake nodded slowly, still violently shaking. </p>
<p>Rosa stripped the shirt off of his torso. She couldn't help but notice Jake hesitate as he brought the sleeve over his left arm, but it was only when she had completely removed the shirt that she realized why he'd been so reluctant. His forearm was covered in cuts. A few were just scratches, most were bleeding. </p>
<p>Jake pulled his arm into his chest, looking away from her. </p>
<p>Rosa took a deep breath and he flinched, expecting her to be angry, or worse, disappointed.</p>
<p>"I'm glad you told me."</p>
<p>Jake stuttered, "You're not mad?" At that, Rosa put her arms around him and squeezed gently.</p>
<p>"Of course I'm not mad, dum-dum. Why would you think that?" she said quietly. She left briefly to grab a warm towel off the heater and wrap it around him.</p>
<p>A few minutes later, Jake's aggressive shaking had been reduced to more of a nervous trembling and breathing was a little tough, but a manageable task. He hadn't stopped crying, but he wasn't yelling anymore, so that seemed good. </p>
<p>She pulled an oversized black hoodie out of the inside of her jacket.</p>
<p>"How did you-"</p>
<p>"Don't ask." She pulled the hoodie over his head, then took his hand. </p>
<p>"Do you know why?" Rosa asked. </p>
<p>Jake was silent for a long time. </p>
<p>"I'm supposed to know, but I don't. I don't know, Rosa."</p>
<p>"You don't have to." Jake shrugged. </p>
<p>"No, seriously dude, whatever you're feeling is okay and don't let anybody, yourself included, tell you otherwise."</p>
<p>"Thanks."</p>
<p>"No problem," Rosa paused, "But we're not done here. Why did I find you in a random Brooklyn alleyway in a snowstorm?"</p>
<p>"I just, I couldn't, I, I, It," Jake started to spiral. Suddenly, the air was trapped in his throat, stuck between his lungs and the world. Rosa put a hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>"It's okay. You can stop if this is making things worse." He nodded.</p>
<p>"There's one more thing though," she sighed, "What are we going to tell the squad?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"I'll only tell them what we agree on."</p>
<p>Jake started to protest, but Rosa stopped him, "They love you, Jake. We love you. None of us are going to judge you, but you have to start talking about things. You can't just repress them until you can't anymore. Trust me. A thousand pushups."</p>
<p>Jake glared at her, "Fine."</p>
<p>"I needed a break. Everything's just really overwhelming right now."</p>
<p>Rosa's mouthed twitched upward, happy that he was opening up. </p>
<p>"But, don't tell them about..." Jake trailed off, staring down at his arm, "You can't tell them about that. I know they won't judge me, but, I'm not ready." Everything he said was strained as if it took every muscle in his body to say the words, and it did.</p>
<p>"Okay, I won't, I promise. But, whenever you feel like doing that, call me, understood?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, got it." For just a second, Jake let himself smile. It was small, but it was a smile.</p>
<p>"But for now," Rosa grinned, "You wanna just chill here and watch Die Hard or something?"</p>
<p>Jake put his hand to his chest in mock-sentimentality, "You know me so well."</p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>Jake and Rosa returned to the precinct long after work hours were over. Despite this, the whole squad was still there, waiting. As soon as they walked through the elevator, Amy ran to him.</p>
<p>"Jake, are you okay? What happened? I was so worried about you!"</p>
<p>Jake had to fight to hold himself together.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, babe."</p>
<p>"What happened?" All eyes were on Jake now, Amy wasn't the only one who wanted to know. Jake stiffened.</p>
<p>Rosa jumped in to save him, "I found this dum-dum outside in the middle of a snowstorm without a jacket."</p>
<p>"You ran away?" Amy said.</p>
<p>"Look, I'm sorry. Captain, I know I shouldn't have skipped work, and Amy, I said I was going to get you coffee. I just kinda freaked out."</p>
<p>"Why?" This time, the voice came from the Sarge. </p>
<p>"Everything's just... a lot, right now," Jake said, gears grinding in his head. He knew that wasn't a fair explanation. He turned to Rosa, who nodded encouragingly. </p>
<p>"It was just, the thought of going into work, seeing everyone, talking to people, perps. There's this stack of paperwork at my desk and I've been procrastinating it and it just keeps getting bigger," Jake welled up, "It was <i>so much.</i> I just couldn't do it. And Holt, before you say anything, I know I shouldn't procrastinate and I shouldn't let-"</p>
<p>"Peralta, it's okay. I am much more concerned about your wellbeing," the Captain interrupted.</p>
<p>"Wait, what?"</p>
<p>"I care more about you than an uninspired stack of manila folders."</p>
<p>"Oh," Jake said quietly, visibly about to cry. </p>
<p>Holt walked towards him and brought him into a warm embrace. </p>
<p>"Sorry, I'm all over the place," Jake muttered. </p>
<p>"I'm proud of you, Peralta. I just want you to know that."</p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>Half an hour later, Rosa and Gina were the only people left at the precinct. Rosa sat at her desk, staring at her black screen, pretending to do work. </p>
<p>"Heyyyyy, Rosa. What's up?"</p>
<p>"Not much."</p>
<p>And then something in Gina snapped. "You're lying."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"You find him, and then you text Charles to 'Go back to the precinct,'" she says mockingly, "and you don't tell him ANYTHING. It takes you 5 hours and 17 minutes to get back here, and you knew we were all worried sick about him. You don't even have the decency to give Charles a message for Amy, even when he asks you, as if it's nobody's business but yours what happens to him. Well, I've got news for you, boo. I've known Jake since forever and you don't get to just waltz in here and keep secrets when you know the whole squad is worried about him and-" Gina broke down, sobbing.</p>
<p>"Because how fucking dare you?" she choked out. </p>
<p>Rosa didn't know whether to be mad or worried. Being Rosa, she decided on mad. </p>
<p>"What the hell, Gina? I was just trying to help him. You don't own him. You don't even know if he said anything," Rosa growled. </p>
<p>"He definitely said something to you. He's desperate to talk to somebody! He's trying to keep it a secret, but he spills any chance he gets!"</p>
<p>"No, he doesn't. He's not desperate. He is a friend going through a hard time. How could you say- wait. What do you mean he 'spills?'"</p>
<p>"I-" Gina sobbed harder now.</p>
<p>"Gina, what are you talking about?"</p>
<p>Rosa softened, "He told you something too, didn't he?"</p>
<p>Gina nodded, "And-"</p>
<p>"I promised I wouldn't say anything," they said in unison. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry," she sniffled, and it hit Rosa how weird this was because Gina didn't cry and Gina definitely didn't apologize.</p>
<p>"Me too." </p>
<p>They sat down in the break room in silence. </p>
<p>"What are we gonna do?" Gina whispered. </p>
<p>"I don't know," Rosa said solemnly, "I guess we tell each other what he told us."</p>
<p>"It's for his own good, right?" Gina said, sounding more like her usual self. </p>
<p>"Yeah. You first though."</p>
<p>"Kay, fine. Remember that day he was acting all weird and kept going to the bathroom?"</p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p>"He was starving himself. He showed up at my apartment at 2 in the morning because he still hadn't eaten anything and I fed him hot chocolate and Cup O'Noodles."</p>
<p>"Shit." </p>
<p>"Yeah." Rosa and Gina hugged each other, silently promising each other to deny this ever happened.</p>
<p>"What about you?"</p>
<p>"He's been cutting himself."</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>Rosa and Gina sat for a bit longer, still not saying anything.</p>
<p>"It's so weird, I feel like I should tell someone, but..."</p>
<p>"You feel like you would be betraying him," Rosa finished, "I get it."</p>
<p>There was another strange pause. </p>
<p>Gina looked up at Rosa, "We have to do whatever it takes to help him."</p>
<p>"Yeah, we really do."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Part 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note</b>
</p>
<p>Ames,</p>
<p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you</i>, Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you. I swear you were the only thing that made me wait this long. I wish I could've been good enough to deserve you. You're the best thing in my life (don't tell Charles I said that).</p>
<p>As for why (as for??? i sound so pretentious????), I just can't take it anymore. I need this to be over. I did some research, Ames. I think I have Depression. I mean, there must be something wrong with me, because no person is meant to feel like this. It hurts so bad Ames. It's killing me. </p>
<p>Find someone else, okay? Get married again, have kids with someone better than me. The truth is, I never could've had kids with you because I'd feel so guilty if our kid came out like me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry in advance for this chapter...</p><p>I promise that it will be okay though.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts</b>
</p><p>"This weather is so gross! The whole world needs a shower," Amy groaned. She was right. It had been raining and snowing for about a week straight. Now that it had stopped, everything was covered in a layer of vomit-inducing, wet sludge. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it was weirdly warm and humid for a winter day, which left the air feeling strange and moist. </p><p>The weather certainly wasn't helping Jake's mood, he felt disgusting enough as it was. He hadn't had the energy to do anything in days, and that included changing clothes. He sat on the couch watching Die Hard.</p><p>"Jake," Amy said, but he couldn't hear her over the sounds of the movie. </p><p>She repeated herself slightly louder. He still didn't answer.</p><p>"Hey, Jake!"</p><p>"Huh?" he yelled, the movie still playing loudly in the background. </p><p>"Can you pause that for-"</p><p>"I can't hear you," he says, pointing at the TV.</p><p>"For God's sake, turn the damn thing off!" Amy shouted. Jake obliged, taken aback. </p><p>"What did you want, babe?" he said wearily.</p><p>"Don't 'babe' me. I don't remember now because you couldn't bother to pause that stupid movie. You've watched it three times in a row, Jake. I'm sick of it!"</p><p>"I'm tired, okay?"</p><p>Amy threw her hands up in frustration, "I get it, I'm tired too, but look at our apartment! Your stupid chip bags are everywhere, we can't even use the sink because of all the dishes in there, and your stuff is all over the floor."</p><p>"If it bothers you that much then just clean it up."</p><p>"I'm sorry, do you expect me to be one of those wives that cleans up after you and comes at your beck and call while you become a negligent sloth?" she said, just a bit more harshly than she meant to.</p><p>"No, obviously I don't."</p><p>"I swear, Jake. It's like you love Die Hard more than me." Amy knew she'd gone too far, but she couldn't stop herself. </p><p>"Amy, you know that's not true."</p><p>"No, I don't. I feel like I'm going to have to manage our whole life by myself, and that was not my plan. If you can't handle that kind of commitment, then get out." She clapped her hand over her mouth, instantly regretting everything.</p><p>The room was silent for a minute.</p><p>"Jake, I didn't mean that. You aren't-"</p><p>"Am I really that bad?" Amy made eye contact with Jake, anticipating rage, but there was none in his face. He wasn't angry with her, he was just hurt. </p><p>And that was a million times worse because it meant he believed her.</p><p>When she didn't answer, he stood up and started towards the door.</p><p>"I need to leave."</p><p>"Where are you going?"</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>* * *</p><p>When Jake zoned back into reality, he was in his car in a quiet parking lot somewhere. He broke into sobs, loud and ugly. He shut his eyes, trying to avoid seeing himself in the mirrors or his reflection in the car windows. </p><p>He considered ending it- his life, not his marriage. If this was how Amy really felt, then it was probably better for her to move on as soon as possible. </p><p>Jake's phone rang. It was Amy. He thought about answering it, he really did, but he couldn't stand to think about what she might say. What if she wanted to leave him? If he never let her tell him, then it couldn't happen, right? He was so deep into his spiral, he almost didn't notice the banner on his screen telling him that she'd left a voicemail. </p><p>He opened it. </p><p>
  <i>"Hi, Jake. Look, I really need to talk to you. I don't know where you are and it's really freaking me out, I mean, not cause, like, I don't trust you or anything, I'm just worried. I love you, and it's only been like an hour but I miss you. Please come home."</i>
</p><p>He knew if he left now, she would spend the rest of her life blaming herself for it. He also knew that he loved her too, and that it would hurt both of them incredibly if this was how it ended. He drove home.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Amy heard a timid knock on her door. Rushing forward, she practically blew the door off its hinges trying to get it open. As soon as she saw her husband, she threw her arms around him.</p><p>"Jake, I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't think I wanted to leave you, I would've told you over the phone, but I wanted to apologize in person and-"</p><p>"Ames," he breathed, "Amy, slow down. I'm not mad. I'm also sorry, I never should've said that thing about how you should just clean for me."</p><p>"Wait, you're not mad? But I called you a negligent sloth, and I told you to, you know," she winced.</p><p>"Yeah, but I know you didn't mean it and I don't want to waste the time we have together fighting over stupid things like me being a total slob," Jake said, kissing Amy's forehead.</p><p>"You're totally right. I love you."</p><p>"Sorry I'm terrible at everything," Jake said, laughing. </p><p>"'Sorry I'm terrible at everything,' title of your sex tape."</p><p>"Oh my god, I love you so much."</p><p>When their laughter had finally quieted, Amy paused.</p><p>"Are you okay? I know that was really hard and I just want to make sure. I want you to know that I didn't mean any of it, I was just in a bad mood. It doesn't even have anything to do with you."</p><p>Jake's eyes became shiny.</p><p>"Jake, what is it?"</p><p>Jake shook his head, "I swore I would never be like my dad, and when you said that stuff about having to manage everything by yourself... and then I thought you wanted to-" his voice cracked.</p><p>Amy pulled him into a tight hug. "You leaving your chip bags everywhere, even for a few days, as gross as that is, it doesn't make you like him. You would never do what he did to you and your mom. And I'm not him either. Jake Peralta, damn my stupid mouth, I'm so sorry for what I said and I will never leave you."</p><p>Jake rested his head on her shoulder in silence for a few minutes.</p><p>"Wow, I have a lot of abandonment issues."</p><p>"Seriously, you should talk to Valerie about that."</p><p>"Yeah I definitely should."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See, I promised!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Part 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note</b>
</p><p>Ames,</p><p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you,</i> Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you. I swear you were the only thing that made me wait this long. I wish I could've been good enough to deserve you. You're the best thing in my life (don't tell Charles I said that).</p><p>As for why (as for??? i sound so pretentious????), I just can't take it anymore. I need this to be over. I did some research, Ames. I think I have Depression. I mean, there must be something wrong with me, because no person is meant to feel like this. It hurts so bad Ames. It's killing me. </p><p>Find someone else, okay? Get married again, have kids with someone better than me. The truth is, I never could've had kids with you because I'd feel so guilty if our kid came out like me. I'm sorry I held you down for so long. Why did you let me do that to you? Look, I have to go this hurts too much. I love you Ames.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Goodbyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Since there is so much angst in this story, I decided to take a break. In other words, this chapter is filled with fluff, so much fluff. Don't worry, the angst returns next chapter... As for what this chapter is, it's all in the title. </p><p>Enjoy!</p><p>- try_again_love</p><p>Edit: Nevermind, there's still a lot of angst in here. Buckle up, it's gonna be a long ride.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: mental illness, self-harm, panic attacks</b>
</p><p>
  <b>1. Detective Rosa Diaz </b>
</p><p>Jake scanned Shaw's looking for Rosa. </p><p>"Peralta, over here." Jake sat down next to her at the bar and they greeted each other briefly.</p><p>"Why did you invite me here?" Rosa asked.</p><p>"Don't know, I just felt like we haven't drunk in silence together in a while," said Jake. Rosa gave a small nod in response, then she ordered two Bellinis. </p><p>"Thanks, but since when do you drink Bellinis?" Jake eyes her questioningly. </p><p>"Remember? Amy made me try them at my wedding"</p><p>"Oh right, the one where you got the whole squad drunk because you didn't want to get married," he laughed.</p><p>"They are responsible for their own actions," Rosa replied with a perfectly straight face. </p><p>The bartender slid the two cocktails across the counter. Jake reached for one, but Rosa smacked his hand away. </p><p>"I never said that was for you," Jake shot Rosa his best puppy eyes, "Fine, but only if you buy the next round. And if you stop making that stupid face."</p><p>Jake agreed desperately, "You got it."</p><p>"I want shots. Strong ones." Jake smiled and snatched the Bellini, nearly spilling it on himself. Rosa cackled. </p><p>After a few more rounds, Rosa piped up, just a little drunkenly. </p><p>"Hey, do you wanna get out of here?"</p><p>Jake raised his eyebrows playfully, "Rosa, I'm married." </p><p>She swatted him, "You know that's not what I meant. Anyways, I'm done drinking in silence. I wanna go sit in a park. In not-silence." She grabbed his hand and dragged him out of Shaw's. They walked together in the crisp cold air until they got to Prospect Park. As Rosa had requested, they sat down on a bench.</p><p>"You're not okay," Rosa stated matter-of-factly. </p><p>"What are you talking about?" Rosa rolled her eyes and gave him a look that somehow managed to convey all of <i>The last time we spent alone time together, it was in a random Brooklyn alleyway and you were shaking so hard you couldn't walk. </i></p><p>"Fine, but I feel good right now, so I don't want to talk about it." For once, Jake wasn't lying. He'd had a good night, and a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest that he was pretty sure wasn't only from the alcohol. </p><p>Rosa seemed to understand, "Listen to death metal?"</p><p>"Sounds good." Rosa shoved a pair of headphones in Jake's direction, and then put an arm around him as he put them on. </p><p>Jake tentatively rested his head on Rosa's shoulder, shifting until he found a position where the headphones weren't in the way. He relaxed when she didn't object. </p><p>A few songs later, she paused the music.</p><p>"You hate this, don't you?"</p><p>"Only a little bit."</p><p>Rosa offered to switch the music, but he declined. "It's okay. In a weird way, I kind of like it." She didn't ask any more questions, so Jake didn't tell her that he was just glad to chill with her, that he felt so lucky to have a friend like Rosa Diaz. He didn't have to, she knew. And, though she would never in a million years admit it, she felt pretty damn lucky too. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>2. Lieutenant Terry Jeffords</b>
</p><p>They strolled out of the movie theatre, Jake holding hands with little Ava while she ran and jumped, and Terry watching Cagney and Lacey with the most loving look as they belted Into the Unknown. </p><p>"Frozen 2 is my most favorite movie in the whole entire world!" Ava declared. Jake smiled down at her, feeling a glow of affection. </p><p>"Did you like it Uncle Jake? Is it your favorite movie too?" He laughed. Die Hard was forever his favorite movie, but for the time he had left, Frozen 2 could hold a special place in his heart for his goddaughter's sake. </p><p>"It's definitely one of them," Jake admitted. Terry glanced over at him, grinning at the authenticity in his voice. </p><p>"Hey, I have a proposal. We should go out for ice cream!" Jake said, "But only if your pops says we can."</p><p>"Daddy, daddy, please?" the kids begged, Cagney and Lacey clearly having taught Ava to do the adorable-talking-in-sync thing. </p><p>"How could I say no?" sighed the Sarge in mock-exasperation. </p><p>The kids skipped ahead, both adults keeping a close eye on them as they excitedly hurtled towards the ice cream parlor.</p><p>"I'm so glad I made you their godfather," said Terry, pulling Jake in for a hug. The detective gave him a meaningful look that told him exactly how thankful he was for that honor. </p><p>As they entered the ice cream parlor, Ava circled back to Jake, grabbing his arm. </p><p>"Uncle Jake, can I pretty-pretty-please have marshmallows on my ice cream?"</p><p>"You should be asking your dad that," his voice was stern but gentle.</p><p>"But I wanna ask you cause you always say yes," Ava explained. Jake and Terry burst out laughing.</p><p>"It's your decision, Uncle Jake," Terry told him. </p><p>"Hmm, I'll have to think about it." Jake pretended to consider the question, "I don't know. Do you really think you're marshmallow material?"</p><p>"Yes! I'm definitely marshmallow material," Ava squealed.</p><p>"Alright then, if you're absolutely sure, allow me to officially state: you can have marshmallows on your ice cream."</p><p>Ava barrelled into him, wrapping her tiny arms around Jake's torso as far as she could get them.</p><p>"You're the best, Uncle Jake!"</p><p>* * *</p><p>After ice cream, Jake, Terry, and the kids returned to the Jeffords' house. Cagney, Lacey, and Ava dashed upstairs to play with each other while the adults remained in the living room. </p><p>"Thanks for today, Cagney and Lacey had a lot of fun, and Ava loves you," said the Sarge. </p><p>Jake sat down. "She's amazing, I love her so much," he gushed. </p><p>They chatted a little bit more about how cute the kids were. Then, Jake stood up suddenly</p><p>"Look, I know we already dealt with your freak out about something happening to you, and then my freak out about something happening to you, but now that I'm Ava's godfather..."</p><p>"You're freaked out about something happening to you," the Sarge finished. Jake nodded, scared that if he said anything he would confess that he knew something was going to happen to him because he was going to be the one to do it. Terry mistook it for worry. </p><p>"It's going to be okay, Jake. Something could happen, but you've got us. The Nine-Nine has your back, and we love you."</p><p>Jake shook his head. "I know, but," he paused, "If anything does happen, just make sure that she knows I love her, all three of them, actually."</p><p>Terry put a hand on his shoulder, "Of course, Jake. And I trust that you'd do the same for me."</p><p>"Of course," he said, but he felt guilty. If anything did happen to Terry, he wasn't going to be there. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>3. Ex-Civilian Administrator and Current YouTube Star Gina Linetti of the G-Hive </b>
</p><p>"Sleepover, bitches!" Gina shouted, glad to have swearing rights back now that her newborn daughter was out of the house. </p><p>"God, we haven't done this in ages," Jake murmured.</p><p>"So here's the plan: movies and hot chocolate and then we have deep late-night conversations until we pass out," said Gina.</p><p>"Perfect."</p><p>"Wait nope, something's missing..." she trailed off.</p><p>"I know! Board games," Jake exclaimed with a look of wild excitement on his face. </p><p>They simultaneously flopped onto the couch, turning on Bad Boys first ("So I can work up the patience to watch Die Hard, <i>again,"</i> Gina whined). After both movies were finished, the pair pulled out a myriad of board games, ranging from Sorry to Monopoly. </p><p>"We have to play Coup," Jake insisted. </p><p>"Why do you always wanna play Coup? You're terrible at bluffing and you always lose."</p><p>"Do not!"</p><p>"Gurl, ya totally do."</p><p>They played twenty rounds of Coup (it's a very short game, each round was 5 minutes max), with Jake losing 19-1 (he only won the one because he didn't lie the whole time and Gina accused him wrongfully).  </p><p>"I beat you in under 15 seconds, boo, you gotta step up your game," Gina teased after a particularly short round. </p><p>"Let's play something else."</p><p>"You always say that when you lose, loser." Gina was laughing when out of nowhere, Jake slammed into her and started to cry. </p><p>"Time for deep late-night conversations?" she joked half-heartedly. Jake nodded, sniffling. </p><p>"Okay then, truth or truth: have you been eating?"</p><p>"That's a terrible question, it's not deep at all, but before you worry, the answer is yes."</p><p>"Go off, gurl. Replacement question: why did you stop eating?" Jake froze.</p><p>"You can tell me if that's too much to ask, hun," Gina added. </p><p>Jake shook his head and held his hand up, asking for some time. Gina understood.</p><p>"Like I told you, it's not that I want to be skinnier or that I have a problem with my body- I mean, I do- but the point is that I didn't do it because of that. I just wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to make myself hurt because I thought I deserved it."</p><p>Jake took a deep breath, "My turn. Do you hate me?"</p><p>"Boo, stop. I know what this is, you feel like you're burdening me with your problems. Don't you?" She paused long enough to catch Jake nod his head, "First, I get it. I have Iggy, I have the Hive, I have all kinds of stuff going on and I'm mega-busy. But don't worry about weighing me down with your problems because I'm an angel and nothing can ever bring me down but also because you are in pain. That means that you get to be a little selfish with me right now. Not a lot, don't you dare turn into an asshole on me, but a little. I'm your friend, that's what I'm here for. Second, this is not something that you have to do by yourself. There is no shame in accepting help, again that what friends are for, bitches."</p><p>"You're the best, Gina," he said softly, and then, even quieter, "but I need to hear you say it."</p><p>"Jake Peralta, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You are my best friend in the whole entire Ginaverse and I love you."</p><p>"Thanks," Jake whispered. </p><p>"Jake Peralta is my best friend, bitches!" she yelled. </p><p>"Okay that's enough, you're making me anxious now."</p><p>"Oops," Gina said, exaggerating her remorse. But she wrapped her arms around him with a silent promise that she would protect him from the world, and from himself, and maybe most importantly, from his big dumb brain. They finished their game of truth or truth, but their conversations continued well into the night. They were talking for hours, but Gina took his hand and she did not let go. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>4. The Pontiac Bandit Doug Judy</b>
</p><p>"I'd like to finish with a toast: to Judy, to his wife, and to living," Jake stopped, leaving a rehearsed gap for dramatic effect, "married-stylez!"</p><p>The crowd clapped as Judy walked to the front of the floor to give Jake a hug.</p><p>"Thanks so much for that speech, man. You're tight. Anyways, as a thank you for all the effort that you put into my wedding as my best man," Judy was cut off by the sound of a blaring karaoke machine being rolled into the room.</p><p>"And so I wake in the morning and I step outside," he sang-shouted. </p><p>"And I take a deep breath and I get real high," Jake followed.</p><p>"And I scream, from the top of my lungs!"</p><p>They leaned in for the finish, "What's going on?" </p><p>Doug Judy and Jake high-fived- it was<i> very</i> elaborate.</p><p>"You are way cooler than all of my criminal friends," Judy said.</p><p>"Congrats, Judy."</p><p>"Get a room, you two," called Judy's wife. Jake turned bright red, and then the whole room burst out laughing, he and Judy included. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5. Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D. </b>
</p><p>When Kevin heard a knock on his door, he was baffled. None of his colleagues had such a weak-wristed knock, and he knew by this point in the year that most of his students were busy during this time of day. </p><p>Carefully, he opened the door to find one Jake Peralta standing awkwardly on the other side with his fist held up as if he was just about to knock again. </p><p>"Hey, Kev!" At the use of the nickname he so despised, Kevin allowed his eyebrows to shift by 2% into a glaring position.</p><p>"Hello, Detective Peralta. Is there a matter that you wish to discuss?"</p><p>Jake hesitated, "Not really, I just wanted to... it's nothing important, I should probably go."</p><p>"Nonsense! You must have come here for some reason," Kevin pressed. </p><p>"Well, I just kind of wanted to thank you, you know, for everything. Like the safe house stuff and," Jake stopped abruptly, "you know, other stuff."</p><p>"What 'other stuff' have I done for you?"</p><p>"I don't know, I guess I just started making words and I didn't know where I was going with them. So yeah, thanks homie. I'm gonna peace out now." Jake turned to leave.</p><p>Kevin didn't know what compelled him to say the next words that he did: "Don't be silly, Peralta. Come sit down in my office."</p><p>Once he sat, Kevin continued, "What did you really want to say?"</p><p>"Nothing, just," and then Jake started talking <i>real fast,</i> "Thanks for being nice to me even though I'm immature and loud and I don't know anything about the New Yorker and I'm exactly the kind of person that you hate. And also if you wanna watch Captain Corelli's Mandolin sometime, you can." He looked down, avoiding Kevin's gaze. </p><p>"I would like that," Kevin replied, "You are not the type of person that I hate. I hate people who treat others poorly and who lack respect for those who are different. You and I are different people, but considering what I have just stated, it would be rather hypocritical of me to hate you for that, wouldn't you say?"</p><p>He waited for Jake to answer, but he didn't. </p><p>"Peralta?"</p><p>When Jake finally lifted his head, Kevin saw that his eyes were shining. The professor stood up and walked around the desk, putting his arm on Jake's shoulder. </p><p>"Are you available tonight for the movie?" Jake nodded. </p><p>"Alright, I will see you then."</p><p>Jake left his office. Kevin reluctantly let him go. </p><p>When Kevin arrived home, he was greeted by his husband. </p><p>"By the way, Peralta disclosed to me that you will be watching a film together tonight. I hope you enjoy it."</p><p>"I apologize for not telling you myself. Is it alright?"</p><p>"Of course! What kind of restrictive husband would I be if I did not permit you to make your own plans? You are an adult, capable of doing so," Holt said with vigor. </p><p>Kevin nodded gratefully.</p><p>"Oh, I almost forgot. While we are on the subject of Detective Peralta, he stopped by an hour ago, and he left this for you. He told me to 'tell Kev I'll see ya' later, skater.'" He handed his husband a bottle of wine. Kevin inspected it. </p><p>The label read: "Wine Drink."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>6. Captain Raymond Holt</b>
</p><p>Raymond could tell that his detective was trying to tell him something. The man had come into his office three different times today, stood uncomfortably in the doorway, and then made up a lame excuse about Amy calling him and left. </p><p>The fourth time he came in, Holt stopped him before he could say anything. </p><p>"What do you want Peralta? Spit it out."</p><p>And then his hands started to shake and he took a gasping breath. Holt swiftly dragged him out of the doorway and then shut the door and lowered the blinds. </p><p>"Something is disturbing you, what is it?"</p><p>Jake didn't answer, he just leaned silently against Holt's desk, struggling to breathe. Holt placed a hand on his back and rubbed it in calming circles.</p><p>He'd assigned Jake a difficult case that morning, a murder with no leads, and it had seemed to be driving the detective up the wall all day. </p><p>"Hey, Cap'n. I have a strange favor to ask," Jake started nervously. </p><p>At this point, Holt was pretty sure he would do anything that Jake would've asked of him, but he was still surprised to hear the words: "Remember when everyone thought that I accidentally called you dad and as a joke, you said we could go play a game of catch? Well sir, I'd like to take you up on that offer, if you're willing." </p><p>Holt hesitated. This was perhaps a tad unprofessional, but to be fair, he had always cared about Peralta a bit more than professionalism would allow, and the detective clearly needed a break. </p><p>When they arrived at the park, Holt suggested they sit down for a moment before starting the game. Jake had relaxed a bit the moment they stepped outside, but he still looked tense.</p><p>"Sorry, it was just getting really busy in there and there were so many people and the air just got all sticky-" Jake stopped when Captain Holt nodded.</p><p>"I understand." Jake let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in. "Now, would you like to commence the game?" Holt pulled a ball out of his bag. </p><p>They spread out on the grass, tossing it back and forth. To Jake's surprise, Holt taught him a number of trick throws. Jake ran long to catch one of them, laughing and shouting, until suddenly the world crashed out from underneath him. </p><p>He pretended that nothing happened, that he hadn't just been hit by a massive wave of anxiety. He quieted his laugh, scared that he was annoying Holt, and he talked less. He also stuck to the basic throws, afraid that if he failed to throw the move Holt had named "Velvet Thunder" (after his codename), his captain would never look at him the same again. He berated himself internally for his cowardice. </p><p>Of course, Holt noticed the sudden change in his demeanor. Jake threw him back another regular ball and this time when he caught it, he made no move to throw it back. This was the breaking point for Jake. </p><p>
  <i>Oh no, I screwed it up. What did I do wrong? This whole thing was weird, I shouldn't have suggested this. All I wanted was to say goodbye, why couldn't I have just done something normal? </i>
</p><p>He sank down into the grass, unable to hold the soul-crushing weight of his perceived failure. </p><p>Holt walked over to him, gently placing the ball on the ground. </p><p>"I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional of me and I never should have-" Holt wrapped his arms around Jake in a warm hug. That shut him up. Now, hot tears streaked down his face and his breathing started to increase in speed. He didn't know how his lungs could possibly move as fast as they were moving right now. He was shaking and his chest hurt and every time he tried to talk he ended up making a sort of strangled screaming sound and he needed it to stop.</p><p>"I'm gonna die," he said. He didn't know what compelled him to say it. He didn't even understand the thought until it came out of his mouth, but as soon as it did, it became all too real.</p><p>"Make it stop!" he wailed desperately, choking the words out between bouts of hyperventilation.</p><p>"Detective Peralta, look at me. Everything is going to be alright. You are not dying, you are safe, but you need to breathe. Come on, breathe with me, in," Holt paused, "and out."</p><p>"In," he repeated, "and out. In," he continued until Jake's breathing matched his rhythm. He was still sobbing, but at least he had air in his lungs now. His hand reached up to clutch his chest.</p><p>"Dad," he winced through clenched teeth. Holt didn't bother to correct him. </p><p>"Jacob, do you know why this happened?"</p><p>"Why didn't you throw it back?"</p><p>"I noticed your change in attitude and I was concerned."</p><p>Then, Jake whispered, "You mean I didn't mess it up?" Surprised, Holt shook his head.</p><p>Jake rolled onto his side, a more comfortable position for his burning chest. </p><p>"Oh God, I'm tired," he groaned, sounding more like himself. </p><p>"I suggest you take the rest of the day off. Go home, Peralta." Noticing Jake tense on top of him, he added, "Take your time. We can spend a few more minutes here before my lunch break ends."</p><p>Jake's tension didn't ease. Holt absent-mindedly put a hand on the detective's hair. </p><p>"No, please." Holt drew back his hand, muttering an awkward apology. </p><p>"No, not that, I don't want to go back to my apartment."</p><p>"Don't you dare try to sidle your way into doing work in your state, Peralta."</p><p>The anxiety on Jake's face intensified as he felt a wave of nausea sweep over him, "You're totally right, it's just," again, his voice became quieter and he nearly squeaked, "I don't want to be alone."</p><p>Holt considered his options. He could send Amy home too, but she had been quite busy today and he knew Jake would feel terrible for interrupting her. There wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to let the man try to work, and despite his usual "work through all pain" attitude, even Jake himself was honest about not wanting to go back into the claustrophobic precinct. So what did that leave?</p><p>"I don't want you to work, but would you like to spend the rest of the day in my office? I will shut the blinds and the door and perhaps you can take a nap on the couch." Jake didn't appear to think twice about nodding his head with a quiet "yes, I would like that."</p><p>When they arrived back at the building, Jake's heart stopped momentarily. He had been so overwhelmed before, he wasn't sure he could walk back into the precinct, especially since he could already hear the commotion from outside. </p><p>As if reading his mind, Holt spoke, "We will go straight to my office and it will be reasonably quiet in there. I will not stop for any queries from anyone and if somebody asks about you, I will take care of it." He firmly grabbed Peralta's hand, a quiet, but protective gesture. Jake willed himself to walk into the precinct, making it to Holt's office without issue. </p><p>"That wasn't so bad," he murmured, more to himself than to anyone else. Holt pulled a blanket and pillow from a mysterious cabinet in his desk, setting them up on the couch for Jake, who quickly collapsed.</p><p>The last thing that Jake remembered hearing before he passed out was the gravelly but warm tone of his captain's voice: "I'm proud of you, Peralta."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>7. Detective Charles Boyle</b>
</p><p>"No way, Jakey, are you serious?" Charles screamed, voice laced with excitement.</p><p>"And guess what, you're going to plan the whole trip," Jake replied, smiling at his friend's joy.</p><p>Charles' smile only grew bigger, "I've had this planned for years! We're gonna be the Busch Babies, like the animal! So, which one are we going to, Busch Gardens Williamsburg or Tampa Bay? I've always thought the one in Florida was so beautiful and that's the one that I planned for, they have an African safari, oh my god can we please go to the Tampa Bay one?"</p><p>He missed Jake wincing.</p><p>"I was actually- uh, I would rather, I mean, I was kind of hoping that, um," he sputtered.</p><p>Fortunately, Rosa interrupted, punching Charles in the arm.</p><p>"Dude, obviously he doesn't want to go back to Florida after spending six months there in witsec."</p><p>Charles clapped a hand to his mouth, looking to Jake, who nodded. </p><p>"Oh no! I'm so sorry, Jakey! I'm a terrible friend."</p><p>"No, Charles, no. You're not a terrible friend."</p><p>"We'll go to Williamsburg. They don't have a safari, but you know, they have Clydesdales. They are such beautiful animals. Did you know that horses symbolize sexual prowess?"</p><p>"CHARLES!" came the yell from the entire precinct.</p><p>"Right, sorry. I'll go to the Charles-is-being-inappropriate corner."</p><p>* * * </p><p>"We're really here! Jakey, I've been dreaming about this trip for so long," said Boyle. Jake couldn't help but feel warmth in his chest at the sight of how happy this was making his friend.</p><p>"So, we're going to see every single show here this weekend, but don't worry. I left plenty of time for the other things. I'm willing to go on water rides with you, but you'll have to work hard to convince me to go on a <i>montagnes russes de la terre,</i>" Charles said, the last words in an unrecognizable but definitely terrible accent. </p><p>"What the heck even is that?"</p><p>"<i>Montagnes russes </i>is clearly the French word for 'rollercoaster' and <i>de la terre </i>means 'of the land.' Basically I don't know about the land coasters, Busch Babe."</p><p>"Okay, first of all, no matter how hard I have to work, you're going on at least one 'land coaster' with me," Jake said in a very exaggerated mocking tone, "Second, when did baby become babe?"</p><p>"I'll do all the rides that you want, Jakey," Charles promised, completely forgetting about the 'work hard to convince me.' Jake laughed.</p><p>"Ooh, let's go on that one!" Jake pointed to a large rollercoaster excitedly. Charles sighed nervously and let himself be dragged along. </p><p>"Jakey, are you sure you want to do this? It's the tallest coaster in the park," Charles said. When Jake shot him a confused look, he added, "You're afraid of heights."</p><p>"Am not!" Jake whined. He dragged Charles to the ride, running to make it to the line.</p><p>Within minutes, they were strapped in. Jake jostled the restraints anxiously.</p><p>"Charles," he whispered urgently. </p><p>Charles immediately recognized the panic in his friend's voice.</p><p>"What's wrong?"</p><p>"I need to get off, I need to get off right now," Jake mumbled, breathing hard. Charles was just about to tell a staff member when the ride jolted and began to move. </p><p>"Oh, cool, cool, cool cool cool cool cool coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool."</p><p>Jake fumbled around, searching for Charles's hand, and gripped it desperately. </p><p>"It's going to be okay," Charles said, trying to sound confident. As the rollercoaster climbed, Jake's breaths became shallower and shallower.</p><p>"Charles, I'm going to die."</p><p>"No, no Jake, everything is-" He was cut off by screaming (both his own and others) as the ride dove towards the ground. Jake thought his stomach was going to come out of his mouth.</p><p>After the first drop, Charles was thrilled to see that Jake had relaxed a bit. He actually seemed to be enjoying himself.</p><p>Jake stumbled out of the car as soon as his restraints were lifted. Rushing to the exit, he promptly vomited in a trash can.</p><p>"Jakey, are you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm fine. I actually ended up liking it. The anxiety just kind of caught up to me," he said, sweating. </p><p>"What happened?"</p><p>"I don't know, I just started feeling really bad."</p><p>Jake collapsed into Charles' arms.</p><p>"Well hey, there's a show tonight with a lot of adorable pets in it. It's so cute, I promise you'll feel better."</p><p>"Thanks, Charles."</p><p>They relaxed for the rest of the day, and Charles was right, the pet show was so cute ("It's a shame me and Amy- wait, Amy and I- can't get a dog!") and it did make him feel better. </p><p>When they arrived back at the hotel, Boyle piped up as soon as they shut the door.</p><p>"Would you like a Ten Minute Boyle Hug™?"</p><p>"Honestly, yes," Jake admitted.</p><p>In Boyle's arms, he felt safe.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>8. Sergeant Amy Santiago</b>
</p><p>"Where are you taking me?" Amy laughed.</p><p>"You'll see. Hey! Don't you dare open your eyes, that's cheating!" Amy could picture the pouty look that was no doubt on her husband's face right now. </p><p>"What's with this 'special date' anyway?"</p><p>"I just wanted to spend some time with my wife. Is that so wrong?" Jake snipped melodramatically, "Okay, you can open your eyes now."</p><p>Amy found herself on the roof of a building that she recognized. This was the spot where they had done the stakeout the night that Jake won their bet and the spot that Amy had run to just before her Sergeant's exam. Above her, the sky was a stunning deep indigo, spattered with stars.</p><p>"Wow," she breathed, "You can see all of Brooklyn from here."</p><p>"That's all? I can see the whole world," he said. She turned to him, confused, to find that he wasn't looking at the gorgeous skyline in front of them, but instead at her.</p><p>"Oh my god, that was so cheesy. What have you made me into?" he joked. He spread out a blanket on the ground and gestured for Amy to join him as he lay down. He nestled himself into the crook of her arm while she played with his hair. </p><p>"Okay, I have a confession," Amy said.</p><p>Jake turned towards her, "What is it?"</p><p>"I did fall in love with you here, on the night of the worst date ever." </p><p>Jake's eyes softened and he planted a soft kiss on her cheek. "I have one too. I did put the socks on your feet. I said I didn't, because it wasn't a big deal, I just didn't want your feet to be cold!" Amy was pretty sure she felt her heart melt. Jake started to nuzzle back into her, resting his head gently on her chest when she sat up.</p><p>"Can we keep going with this? I need to work myself up to what I actually need to tell you," she said, almost looking fearful. Jake wrapped his arms around her. </p><p>"Of course, babe. Do you want me go to first this time?" When she nodded, he took a sharp inhale and whispered with genuine shame in his voice, "I think I like Orangina better than Orange Soda."</p><p>Amy's jaw dropped, "No way!" Her shocked expression transformed into a smug smile, "I knew I would get to you." Jake put his head in his hands and shook his head, mouthing apologies.</p><p>"My turn again. Teddy proposed to me again last week, and I said yes."</p><p>"WHAT?"</p><p>"No, I mean I got tired of him asking so I said yes, and then when he stood up to put the ring on my finger I slapped him. And then I yelled a bunch of mean words. I felt so bad! Jake, I'm a terrible person!"</p><p>Jake's face broke out in what had to be the goofiest grin she'd ever seen on anyone. "You are my dream girl." Jake leaned in for a kiss but she pushed him away.</p><p>"No, this is bad! I slapped him!" But within seconds, she was giving in to him.</p><p>"Wait, stop. I still have to do this. Let's do a couple more rounds," she said, but it sounded more like a question, so he gave a thumbs-up. </p><p>"Sometimes, I still think about what I said to you when we were arguing about kids, the thing about, you know, starting over. I wish it had never come out of my mouth. I never want to start over, and I can't believe I would do that to you. And then I did it again the other day!" This time, she didn't try to resist when he pressed his lips to hers. </p><p>"Remember what I said? I know you didn't mean it, and I don't wanna waste time fighting with you over stupid stuff."</p><p>"But it's not okay. Once, maybe it would've been understandable for me to make that mistake, because it was a mistake, but twice?"</p><p>"Well, I forgive you. And I want you to forgive you too. Here's mine for this round: I know we said we were done trying, but I still want to have a kid with you," Jake said, and he meant it. For once, his depression wasn't clouding his thoughts.</p><p>"Me too," she murmured. "Okay, one more round and then I'm gonna do it. You go first."</p><p>"I think I might be bisexual," Jake blurted. "I didn't tell you sooner cause I didn't want you to leave me and now I get that's ridiculous. Unless you want to leave me, please don't," he rambled. </p><p>"Of course I'm not going to leave you, moron. I love you no matter what." It was her turn to kiss him, tenderly cupping his face in her hand.</p><p>She took in a deep breath, "Actually when I was younger, my parents caught me in my bedroom kissing a girl."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"I was just questioning, and I happen to be straight. Thank God, not because being gay is bad or anything, but my parents were really pissed. They started yelling at me in Spanish all this stuff about how 'It's wrong' and 'Marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman.'"</p><p>"Oh God, I'm so sorry."</p><p>She shook her head, "Don't be sorry for me, some of my brothers are gay. The good part is my parents are better about it now, the bad part is that those brothers had to go through hell before we got there." Jake and Amy curled further into each other's arms. They stayed silent for a while until Amy spoke again.</p><p>"Alright, here it is. Jake, I have an anxiety disorder and I'm willing to explain what that means to you if you need me to, but it doesn't mean that I'm weak or a coward and it's not just an excuse for me to-"</p><p>"Amy, stop."</p><p>"Excuse me!"</p><p>"Amy, I know what anxiety disorders are, and I would never think any of those things about you."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"Yeah, I actually have some issues myself." He looked away, shifting his gaze to the side.</p><p>"Jake, you can always tell me this stuff. I'm here for you."</p><p>"Hey, this was supposed to be about you. I love you, no matter what your brain tells you, and I'm here for you too." He gave her a sad smile.</p><p>"The same goes for you. Please, talk to me."</p><p>Jake shut his eyes tight and bit his lip. Wordlessly, he gave her his arm, inviting her to roll up the sleeve of his NYPD t-shirt.</p><p>He held his breath. In the few seconds that it took her to see the scars, a million different scenarios ran through his head, all of them ending in rejection. </p><p>Just as quickly as they came, the thoughts were wiped from his brain as he felt her warm figure against him and her lips on his cheek. He opened his eyes again and tears spilled onto her shirt.</p><p>"I'm so sorry," he mumbled into her shoulder.</p><p>"You have nothing to apologize for, I just wish I could make it better," Amy breathed. She wanted to ask why he didn't tell her sooner, but she knew she couldn't take this personally. It would only make things worse. </p><p>"Ames, look at me. You do make it better, every single day you make it better. I don't know what I'd do without you and I need you to know that," Jake said. His voice still shook from crying, but his tone was confident. </p><p>They laid themselves back down onto the blanket, Jake's face still buried into Amy's shirt. </p><p>"Sorry I ruined date night," he muttered.</p><p>"No, Jake. You didn't ruin anything, and I'm glad you told me. Please, just," Amy sighed, "tell me if you need anything, ever. I need you to talk to me."</p><p>"Okay. I'm glad you told me about your thing too."</p><p>"Honestly, I had fun tonight doing confessions," she admitted.</p><p>"Yeah, me too. I love talking to you. You're so interesting, you know what I mean? It's like, talking to you is the most exciting thing. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure I get smarter just by listening to you, even when you're not saying smart stuff and facts."</p><p>"You make me a better person."</p><p>"I love you."</p><p>"I love you too."</p><p>They fell asleep under the stars without a care in the world. Jake woke up an hour later. He carried Amy and the blanket to their car and drove as carefully as he could, avoiding every pothole (which was quite the feat in New York) so as not to wake her. The next morning, when she asked her how she got back, he would laugh nervously and tell her that she was so tired she must not remember walking back ("Wait a second, is this like the socks? Oh my God, did you carry me back?" "No, of course not! I'm def not that strong, bro."), but she would know the truth, and eventually, months later he would tell her at another game of confessions- it would totally become a tradition- and she would smile and feel herself fall in love with this dork all over again.</p><p>So for now, maybe nothing was okay, but as long as they had each other, Jake and Amy were gonna be just fine.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Edit: It has been weeks since I posted this, oh god, but it has just come to my attention that in 1x11 (Christmas), we learn that Charles wants to go on a trip to the BOTANICAL Gardens, not BUSCH Gardens. They're both gardens that start with 'B's, I'm sorry. I'm not going to rewrite it because it's been a while and I still like what I did write and think that it's in character for Boyle, but I apologize for my mistake.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Part 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: suicide note</b>
</p><p>Ames,</p><p>Before I say anything else, I need you to know: it isn't your fault. Side note, oh my god, I used a colon, like, correctly! I did that for <i>you, </i>Ames. Sorry, my therapist said I use humor as a coping mechanism. All jokes aside though, none of this is because of you. I swear you were the only thing that made me wait this long. I wish I could've been good enough to deserve you. You're the best thing in my life (don't tell Charles I said that).</p><p>As for why (as for??? i sound so pretentious????), I just can't take it anymore. I need this to be over. I did some research, Ames. I think I have Depression. I mean, there must be something wrong with me, because no person is meant to feel like this. It hurts so bad Ames. It's killing me. </p><p>Find someone else, okay? Get married again, have kids with someone better than me. The truth is, I never could've had kids with you because I'd feel so guilty if our kid came out like me. I'm sorry I held you down for so long. Why did you let me do that to you? Look, I have to go this hurts too much. I love you Ames.</p><p>I love you and I'm sorry.</p><p>- Pineapples</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry! This was supposed to go up yesterday, but then school happened, so...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Overdose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Trigger Warning: overdose, kinda graphic (just a detailed description of the pain, there's no blood), nobody dies I promise</b>
</p><p>He didn't expect to feel nothing. Maybe he should have, he knew better than anyone that his emotions were broken. He didn't feel anything that he was supposed to anymore. </p><p>But still, he thought he would at least be relieved, or sad, or maybe even a bit scared. After all, this was his last day alive. </p><p>Then he ambled into the kitchen- <i>for the last breakfast I'm ever going to eat, </i>he thought- and he locked eyes with his wife. His stomach dropped.</p><p>He told her he wasn't feeling well and should probably call in sick for work that day, and that was definitely why he was so obviously wrong. No, she shouldn't stay with him because she was a badass Sergeant now and she needed to get work done. Reluctantly, Amy had agreed.</p><p>He'd meant to go into work that day, to see everyone in the precinct one last time, but he'd said his goodbyes, and now that the feels had kicked in, he was pretty sure he would give himself away if he tried to talk to any of them. </p><p>When the door clicked shut behind Amy, the tears began to run steadily down his cheeks as if on cue. He was alone with his thoughts again, which was quite possibly the worst place in the entire world for Jake Peralta to be. For the first time in a while, he let himself ugly cry, sobbing loudly. He cried for what felt like an eternity until he calmed down. </p><p>He wasn't sure what to do, he wanted to do something before he went out. So, he watched Die Hard for the last time. He tried to enjoy it, but when it was over, he felt hollow.</p><p>On one hand, he felt so guilty for doing this to them, all the people that he loved. He was going to hurt all of them just to end his own pain and it was so, so selfish. On the other, he was doing the right thing because they would be better off without him. He held back the squad, the 99th precinct would have already been the best in Brooklyn like Holt wanted if it wasn't for him, and Amy. Amy had settled for him, and now she could finally be free. Charles wouldn't have to deal with Jake treating him so poorly, abusing their friendship. Rosa wouldn't have to handle all the things he did that made her want to smash yet another innocent printer. Gina wouldn't be weighed down by Jake's lack of awesomeness anymore. He wouldn't need to be Terry's dumb work baby, and Holt would never have to endure his insufferable antics ever again. He didn't understand how he could feel both sentiments so vividly at the same time, but he did. </p><p>Regardless of his internal conflict, he had already made his decision. Ultimately, they<i> would</i> be better without him, even if they would hurt for a little bit before they saw that. So, he pulled a bottle out of the fridge, not bothering to check what kind of alcohol it was.</p><p>Then, he opened the medicine cabinet. He pulled out Amy's antidepressants and the sleeping pills that he'd been prescribed for a few weeks after he came home from prison. He grabbed some ibuprofen too, for good measure. </p><p>Lastly, he pulled the note from the drawer in his bedside table.</p><p>He returned to the couch in the living room, where the door into the apartment was. It would hurt Amy to find him no matter what he did, but he could picture her walking in, not seeing him and assuming that he was in their bedroom. She would call his name to no avail, and ice-cold panic would shoot through her veins.<i> He's probably asleep, </i>she would think, but somehow, she would know that something was terribly wrong, and in the mere seconds that it took her to find his body, it would kill her.</p><p>Jake loved Amy Santiago more than anything in the world, and he never wanted that for her. </p><p>So he chose the living room. </p><p>He was pretty sure he would never forget the sickening taste of a gel capsule, the way that even after it slid down, he could still feel the ghost of its shape lodged in his throat, the way that everything felt worse than he could've anticipated. Because dry-swallowing one pill was nothing but by the time he got to 12, he raised the bottle to his lips because he couldn't take it anymore. Fortunately, once he was finished, the pain in his throat subsided quickly. </p><p>Five minutes later, everything was spinning just a little bit. Jake was tired and a little lightheaded, and suddenly very disoriented. </p><p>His mouth went dry. He reached for the bottle only to find that it was empty. Now he couldn't tell if he was hot or cold, or how long it had been, and-<i> oh god- </i>he felt like he was about to vomit. His stomach churned inside him, and then out of nowhere, he noticed the pounding in his head getting more and more unbearable by the second. <i>I wouldn't have done it like this if I'd known it was going to be hell.</i></p><p>Before he knew it, he was hunched over the floor and throwing up, which did nothing to ease the sharp sensations of agony in his stomach. He was crying uncontrollably, the soft sounds only punctuated by cries of pain and more bouts of nausea. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, and his heart was beating out of his chest. Normally, when he was anxious, his inhalations came at the speed of light, but now they were insufferably slow. It felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. He didn't care if he lived or died anymore he just needed this to be over. </p><p>The last thing that Jake Peralta remembered was pain. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Today had been stressful as hell. Amy's anxiety had been acting up all day, Gary wouldn't shut up, and someone had mislabeled evidence in a really important murder case. But everything was okay, because she had calmed herself down and handled everything like a boss. Jake was going to be so proud of her when she told him what had happened, she couldn't wait to get home and see him. Hopefully, he was feeling better and they would be able to sit on the couch with two mugs of hot tea and talk about their days. </p><p>Well, she'd mostly dealt with her anxiety, but there was one worry in particular that she just couldn't shake. </p><p>"Hey guys, Jake hasn't texted me all day. Am I reading into that or is something wrong?"</p><p>Of course, the whole squad knew what she was really asking about. They knew that Jake had been acting weird, and they'd been quite intent on finding out why. But recently, as they'd discussed, he'd seemed better.</p><p>"You said he was sick, right? He's probably just taking a nap or something," Terry speculated.</p><p>"Or maybe he's just watching Die Hard," Rosa added, rolling her eyes. </p><p>Amy agreed, but her brow remained furrowed. </p><p>"Amy, I'm sure he's fine. He's been acting a lot better lately. He's been a lot more open about his feelings and he's been spending a lot more time with us. He hasn't shown enthusiasm and energy like he is now since before any of this happened," Boyle said. </p><p>Amy knew they were probably right, but he'd shown her those scars- she wondered if anyone in the Nine-Nine knew about them. Then again, they hadn't seemed too fresh. They were probably at least a couple of weeks old. </p><p>"Yeah, I'm worrying over nothing," she complied. </p><p>She drove home, listening to a Taylor Swift playlist that Jake had compiled for her. She smiled the whole way to their apartment, she couldn't help it.</p><p>She knocked on the door and no one answered. She was proud of herself, she didn't let the worry creep back in. </p><p>Then, Amy opened the door to find her husband's body, a puddle of vomit, several pill containers on the couch, and an empty bottle on the coffee table. </p><p>"No, no, no, no no no no no no," the steady stream of nos continued out her mouth as she ran to him. </p><p>She tried to flip a switch and transform into Logical Amy, it only half-worked. </p><p>First, she checked for a pulse. Thank God, there was one, weak but definitely there. </p><p>Second, she called for an ambulance.</p><p>Then, she called the squad.</p><p>"Why did you call the entire group chat? If you have something important to say, you usually send a specially crafted text message tailored to each of us," Rosa said.</p><p>"Yes, and why is Gina a part of this communication? She is no longer my personal assistant." </p><p>"Everyone shut up!" Amy felt bad for yelling at them, especially Holt, but there was no time for this, or for apologies, or for anything. </p><p>"It's Jake, I called an ambulance," she started shakily.</p><p>"What happened?" Boyle shouted. </p><p>"I," she stopped, she had no idea how to say this, she didn't even know if she could.</p><p>"I think he tried to kill himself," Amy forced herself to say. "We're going to Brooklyn Methodist, be there." Without waiting for a response, she hung up. </p><p>It was then that she noticed the note sticking out of his shirt pocket.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Heavy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm so sorry! This was meant to go up yesterday, but I was having WiFi problems. Hope you like it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <b>Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, Roger Peralta's A+ Parenting (which is to say, very bad), generally just very angsty</b>
</p><p>"Amy?" His voice was hoarse, barely audible.</p><p>"Jake, it's going to be okay," she said desperately. A strangled moan escaped his lips.</p><p>"Amy, it hurts," he said, sounding small and quiet. It was as if he was a child.</p><p>"I know babe, but I called an ambulance and they'll be here soon, we're gonna get you to the hospital."</p><p>Just then, the paramedics arrived. Carefully, they lifted his body onto the stretcher.</p><p>"No, no, Amy," he yelled.</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere Jake, I promise."</p><p>* * *</p><p>The squad arrived shortly after the ambulance did, all crammed into Terry's minivan.</p><p>"Where is he?" said Rosa, her tone sharp, like she was interrogating a perp. </p><p>"Is he okay?" Charles begged.</p><p>"What on Earth happened?" inquired the Captain. </p><p>Amy didn't answer any of their questions yet, opting instead to dive into Rosa's arms- surprisingly, she did not protest- and let the squad surround her in a group hug.</p><p>Once they'd let go, she explained. </p><p>"Jake's getting his stomach pumped, the doctors said it would probably take at least an hour. He was unconscious when I found him, but he woke up before the paramedics got to us." Amy fought back tears as the squad stood in silence. </p><p>Amy addressed the unspoken question hanging thickly in the air, "When I got home, he was-" she stopped abruptly, letting a sob push its way up her throat. Holt rested a hand on her shoulder, his eyes glistening as well.</p><p>"He was on the floor, and there was a bottle next to him, the whole thing was empty, and a bunch of random stuff he pulled out of the medicine cabinets. I was so scared, I thought he," she couldn't bring herself to say the word, "but I checked for a pulse and it was there." She let out a breath of relief, as if she was frantically running her hands over his neck, searching for the telltale thump of a heartbeat all over again.</p><p>"Did he say anything? Did he leave a note?" Rosa snapped.</p><p>Amy shook her head, "He could barely talk. All he said to me was that it hurt. He did leave a note though. I found it in his shirt pocket."</p><p>"Well?"</p><p>"I don't know," she admitted. </p><p>"What the fuck, Santiago?" Rosa barked, and then, in a softer tone, "Sorry."</p><p>"He said he thinks he might be depressed. And he said I should move on," she whispered the last part.</p><p>"What? Why? You two are perfect for each other!" Charles cried indignantly. </p><p>"He felt like he wasn't good enough for me and I deserved someone better." Nobody knew what to say to that.</p><p>Holt was the one to break the silence, "Kevin is on his way and will arrive shortly. I hope that is alright."</p><p>"Of course it is. Jake will be happy to see him."</p><p>The squad made quiet conversation about meaningless things. In fairness, everything seemed meaningless in the context of the situation they were currently in. Kevin had rushed in during a tangent of Boyle's about different brands of spaghetti sauce. It was strange to hear him talk about something as basic (and not-diarrhea-inducing) as spaghetti. Everyone in the squad knew he only did when he couldn't muster the energy for more complex foods, which, him being Boyle, did not happen very often. </p><p>"I think," Holt wondered aloud, "he said goodbye to me. We played a game of catch recently, as I had once quipped about when he accidentally referred to me as his father. I thought he had suggested it for the sole purpose of getting out of the precinct, but it appears I may have been mistaken." No one had to ask who he was talking about. </p><p>Continuing the thought, he added, "Have any of you had similar experiences?"</p><p>"He made me have a sleepover with him like we used to do when we were little. He made me make hot chocolate for him," Gina realized, with an offended tone in her voice. Anyone who knew her even a little bit would be able to tell that she was faking it. </p><p>"He took me up to the rooftop from the stakeout we had to do the night he won the bet," Amy murmured. </p><p>"He took Terry and his girls to see a movie."</p><p>"He took me out for drinks in silence."</p><p>"The Busch Gardens Trip."</p><p>There was a pause that was neither awkward nor comfortable, because how could any of them possibly be <em>comfortable</em> right now.</p><p>"Even me," Kevin said suddenly. Everyone turned to face him. "He showed me a Nicolas Cage film, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, and he bought me a bottle of that despicable wine from my husband's birthday party years ago."</p><p>"And we all thought he was getting better," Rosa concluded bitterly. Though no one said anything, Amy's eyes were shut so tight it must have been giving her a headache, Charles' face was suddenly very wet, and Gina was staring at her nails instead of at her phone. Kevin's face was somehow even more expressionless than usual. Rosa's fingers were bleeding from where she'd picked at them and the Sarge had the same weird look that he'd worn the first time he visited Rosa in prison. </p><p>Holt's reaction might have been the strangest. His eyes were red-rimmed and full of unshed tears, and though he tried to hide it, his hands had just the slightest tremor in them. No one, not even his husband had ever seen him like this. </p><p>"I should've said something," Rosa breathed, eyes wide, "He told me he'd been cutting himself. I should've said something. Why didn't I say something?" The last question seemed to be meant more for her than anyone else.</p><p>"You did, boo. You told me. I should have said something about him starving himself," Gina said.</p><p>"He told me about the cutting too," Amy confessed, "and I didn't tell anyone."</p><p>"My own detective had a panic attack right in front of me, and I made no effort to get him help," Holt roared. </p><p>"That is not true, Raymond. You told me that you invited him to spend the rest of the day in your office so that he would not have to suffer in solitude," Kevin argued gently.</p><p>Before Holt could say anything else, he carried on, "It is not your responsibility to make him get professional help."</p><p>"No," Amy responded, "It's mine. I'm his wife." Every word was strained.</p><p>"No!" Charles screamed. His face was a stupefying mixture of anger and grief. "I want to blame myself so badly. There's a part of me that feels like this is all my fault. But this isn't helping anyone! Nobody, especially Jake, gets anything out of us wallowing, and he needs us more than ever right now. This is nobody's fault." </p><p>Sounding more like herself, Gina said loudly, "Damn, gurl, you're right for the first time in forever." She then busted out a loud and off-key rendition of "For the First Time in Forever" from Frozen paired with an interpretive dance. By the time she was finished, the group had nearly been kicked out of the hospital, but there was a sense of hope in the air, and the weight of the world didn't seem quite so heavy anymore.</p><p>* * *</p><p>"He's awake, you can go see him now." Without so much as a thank you, Amy tore through the hospital. She didn't care. Right now, there were more important things than etiquette. </p><p>She busted open the door, nearly smacking Charles in the face with it. Running to the bed, she grabbed Jake into a hug that could only be described as violent. Jake tensed before relaxing into her arms. She noticed.</p><p>A million thoughts swam through her head, but she had no idea what to say to him. Eventually, she managed to sum them all up into just five words: "I love you, so much."</p><p>He wanted to say it back, he wanted her to know it, but he couldn't imagine talking right now. He could barely manage to touch his lips to hers and hope she got the message. She did. </p><p>As the squad entered, he took in their faces one by one. They all looked devastated. It made Jake want to pull the sheets over his head and disappear. Instead, he shrunk himself as far as he could into the hospital bed and tried not to look at them. </p><p>"Jakey, I'm so glad you're okay. We were all so worried about you!" Charles wept, "I wish I could make it better." The squad came up to surround Jake's bed, taking turns wrapping him in a hug. </p><p>"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.</p><p>"Peralta, please. You have nothing to apologize for. On the contrary, I am regretful that I did not do more to help you. I care about you deeply and I am glad to see you alive," Holt professed. </p><p>"I fucked up," Jake cried, screwing his eyes shut. Rosa stepped forward, resting her hand gently under Jake's chin.</p><p>"Listen to me. The problem isn't that none of us would ever forgive ourselves if something happened to you. You were hurting and you felt like you couldn't talk to us. That sucks, both on your part and on ours. We're gonna fix that. Got it?" Jake nodded.</p><p>"Wanna talk about it?" Gina said.</p><p>"I don't know what to say," he whispered. </p><p>"You don't have to, hon, you don't have to," she affirmed as she pulled his shaking form into her chest. </p><p>"You have to talk about this stuff, even if you don't want to. Not necessarily right now, I mean, you can if you want to," Terry added. He gave Jake a bone-crushing hug and half-jokingly muttered, "You are such a big dumb work baby."</p><p>Jake cracked a small smile. It lit up the whole room.  </p><p>"My therapist told me what anxiety was. I think I might have that, and also, maybe, possibly depression. I might be wrong, I really don't know anything about that stuff," Jake trailed off, looking to Amy.</p><p>"Why didn't you say anything when I told you about my anxiety?" Amy questioned. There was no anger in her voice, no frustration or hurt, just gentle curiosity. That was what helped Jake answer her.</p><p>"I was scared. I didn't want to take away from you telling me because you were so nervous and I still don't even know if I'm actually depressed or if I'm just making it up."</p><p>"You are most certainly not 'just making it up.' Whatever it may be, you clearly have a real problem that requires attention," Kevin countered. It was hard for Jake to believe him, but nonetheless, it felt good to hear.</p><p>"Thank you," he croaked. </p><p>"Oh, I almost forgot," Amy began, "Your parents are on their way. They'll be here as soon as they can."</p><p>Jake's brow furrowed and Amy could see the gears grinding in his head.</p><p>"Is my dad coming?" Amy nodded in response. Jake shoved his hand up to his mouth, biting at his cuticles. </p><p>"If you want, I can kick the trash can fire out for you," Gina offered.</p><p>"No," Jake said slowly, "I think I owe it to him to talk."</p><p>"You don't owe that SOB anything," she fumed. He shot her an exhausted look and she conceded.</p><p>"Fine, but I'm not leaving you alone with the rotting swine carcass."</p><p>"Okay, my dad is a piece of trash, but that might be a little harsh."</p><p>"Agree to disagree, loser." </p><p>"Now may not be the best time for your well-intentioned, but potentially hurtful teasing," Holt reminded sternly.</p><p>Gina put a hand in Jake's hair, ruffling it, "Nah, he loves it."</p><p>Jake rolled his eyes but another tiny grin crossed his lips as Gina kissed his forehead.</p><p>"Can I take a nap now? I'm pretty wiped."</p><p>"Of course, babe. We can leave you to rest. I should've thought of that," Amy rambled.</p><p>"You, uh, you don't have to go, I wouldn't mind," he sputtered. </p><p>Amy melted a little bit at his implicit request. She said nothing but obliged, moving to take a seat in one of the chairs near the bed. Apparently, it was a mutual decision, for not a single person left the room. </p><p>None of them minded one bit.</p><p>* * *</p><p>He woke up to the soft touch of Amy's hand against his face, "Hey, your parents are here."</p><p>Opening his eyes, Jake saw that the squad was still in the room. He suspected nobody had left since he'd fallen asleep. Karen Peralta was walking up to him, tears in her eyes. Roger occupied the space a little further back, his arms crossed. </p><p>He sat up to hug his mom.</p><p>"My baby, what happened?"</p><p>"Can we not? I'd really rather not," he pleaded weakly. </p><p>"Of course, whatever you want darling." <em>God, my mom is the best,</em> he smiled internally. </p><p>"Can we have a moment alone with our son?" Roger grunted from the back of the room. Gina looked pointedly at Jake, and he nodded imperceptibly. Silently relaying the message to the rest of the squad, Gina stood up and exited the room, but not before mouthing <em>Call me if Terry needs to beat up the shitbag.</em></p><p>As soon as they were gone, Karen rambled about mental health and how Jake needed to take care of himself, especially as a cop. He wasn't really listening, his eyes were on Roger, who was shooting daggers at him. </p><p>"Hey, Karen, honey. Do you mind grabbing me a Diet Coke? I wanna have a little chat with Jakey," Roger grunted. Karen seemed oblivious to the malice in his tone. Before Jake could object, she was gone. </p><p>The door clicked shut and Jake turned his gaze to meet Roger's. </p><p>"How could you do this to me? Do you have any idea how much I care about you?"</p><p>Jake snorted in contempt.</p><p>"I may not have been around much for your childhood, but your mother was. She worked her ass off to raise you, and you would've broken her heart, just like that. Do you even care about her? And think about how this looks on us! Picture us, having to tell all of our friends that our screw-up kid offed himself. It makes us look like shitty parents! You are being so selfish. You always were. So many people have it so much worse than you," Roger snarled. </p><p>Jake wanted to fight back, scream that he was wrong, but only half of him believed that. Logically, he knew that nothing his dad said was in any way, shape, or form valid, but it stung.</p><p>From outside the room, the squad heard Roger's muffled shouting. Karen arrived with a Diet Coke, nodding at Gina as she passed.</p><p>"Wait, Karen, what are you doing out here?"</p><p>"Roger asked for a Coke, he said he wanted to chat with Jake." Gina's heart stopped.</p><p>"You mean, you left him alone in there? <em>With that fucking dick?" </em></p><p>"Gina, that is my-" she didn't stop to hear the rest. She practically blew the door off of its hinges. </p><p>Roger was towering over Jake, shrieking at the top of his lungs,  "You make it so fucking hard for anyone to love you!"</p><p>"Get out," Gina thundered, enunciating every letter. </p><p>"This is none of your-"</p><p>"I said, <em>get. The hell. Out.</em> Do you understand me?" </p><p>Behind her, Karen's voice dripped with betrayal, "Roger, what are you doing?"</p><p>"He needs to know what he did." </p><p>"Shut up. I don't want to see you near my son ever again," she hissed, eyes clouded with anger. </p><p>"He's my son, too."</p><p>"No. You lost that right a long time ago."</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"Fuck off, Roger!" she bellowed. </p><p>Without another word, he was gone.</p><p>At this point, Jake had drawn his knees into his chest, hiding his face.</p><p>"Jake, I'm so sorry. We didn't see Karen leave."</p><p>When he didn't respond, Gina said, "I don't know what that useless, irrelevant, Android user said to you, but whatever it was, it's not true."</p><p>He looked up at Gina and then locked eyes with his mother. Her guilt hit him like a brick. </p><p>"Mom," he began, but she interjected. </p><p>"I should have known. I should never have let him near you."</p><p>"It's not your fault," he told her. <em>It's mine</em> was implied. </p><p>"The only person whose fault it is is Roger's," said a furious voice from the back of the room. It was Holt, his eyes dark with rage. Kevin grasped his hand in a futile attempt to calm him down, but his own expression was similarly violent. </p><p>Actually, looking around the room, everyone was irate, though no one except maybe Terry and Gina matched Holt and Kevin's wrath, and also maybe Amy. Charles looked pretty pissed too, and it was no surprise that Rosa looked ready to kill someone. </p><p>(Okay, yeah, they were all infuriated.)</p><p>"How could he say such things, especially to his own son?" Holt voiced angrily.</p><p>"Because he's a stupid, leave-hate-comments-on-Twitter-but-be-nice-to-your-face, type of bitch," Gina griped.</p><p>"Aren't you that type of bitch? You leave hate comments all the time," Terry said, face skeptical.</p><p>"No, gross. I don't say anything on social media that I wouldn't IRL."</p><p>"Last week, you commented that I looked like a 'used takeout container, but sentient,'" Amy challenged.</p><p>"Your point?" Gina received a fierce glare in reply.</p><p>"Sweetheart, I feel terrible about this, but I have to go make sure that Roger hasn't destroyed my car and-" Karen babbled.</p><p>"Mom, go. It's okay. You should rest anyway, you seem tired."</p><p>"Alright, fine. But only because it seems like you have a wonderful support system here. I'll be back." She leaned down to kiss his cheek and then strode off.</p><p>"Peralta, are you alright?" Holt inquired.</p><p>"Yeah," Jake mumbled. He deflated, "No."</p><p>Amy sat down next to him on the bed, stroking his hair. He leaned into her, matching his breathing to hers. </p><p>"Is there anything we can do for you?" Charles asked. </p><p>"I don't know. I just want everything to stop sucking." </p><p>"Okay, what sucks right now?" Amy's even tone was almost healing.</p><p>Jake sighed into her shoulder, "I feel like crap all the time. It never stops. Also my dad, my dad sucks."</p><p>"Like I said, he's a disgusting, maggot-infested banana that's been possessed by Satan," Gina interjected. </p><p>"You really hate him, don't you?"</p><p>"If I didn't think it was worth it, I never would've let the word 'maggot' touch my gorgeous lips."</p><p>Jake smiled for the third time- Amy made it her goal to get that number as high as possible- and relaxed against his wife. Just being with her made everything a little bit easier. </p><p>"Amy, when can I go home?"</p><p>Amy froze for a moment, "The doctors said you need a psych eval before they make any decisions, but if we can make a plan to take care of you and get you help, it should only be a few days."</p><p>"What kind of a plan?"</p><p>"Well, you're going to have to talk to Dr. Walker about this, the doctors will probably refer you to a psychiatrist and you'll talk to them, and if you need anything else to get better, we need to figure it out. You probably can't be alone for a little bit, and I assume that if you go on any medications, I'll have to control them."</p><p>"Basically you have to suicide-proof me."</p><p>"Well, n- yep." </p><p>Jake's face fell. </p><p>"What's wrong?"</p><p>"My number one, fundamental responsibility as an adult human being is to keep myself alive and I can't even do that without someone to babysit me," Jake retorted. Under his breath, he muttered, "I don't even want to." </p><p>Amy inhaled sharply, "Jake-"</p><p>"Don't you get it? You're better off without me!" he cried out. The room fell silent. All at once, Jake was panicking. He shoved his face into the pillow. He couldn't stand to look at anyone right now. </p><p>Amy put her hand on his back and he shrugged her off, regretting the action instantly. Somehow, this felt worse than anything. It wasn't a panic attack, he could breathe, but he ached. All he wanted to do was cry and scream at something. </p><p>"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," he repeated. </p><p>"Jake," Charles faltered.</p><p>"Don't look at me!" He stayed silent for a moment before screaming, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"</p><p>Amy grabbed Jake by his arms and squeezed him into her chest. </p><p>"Nope," she decided before he could argue, "I am not letting you do this to yourself. You are not going to push me away. You can't because I'm never leaving you. Your brain is telling you all kinds of awful things, like we're better off without you, but it's wrong. Your brain is wrong. You are smart and funny, and you're such a good cop, and you're a good person. You're a good person who deserves to be loved and who deserves to be happy. You're good enough, okay?" She pressed her lips to his forehead and refused to let go.</p><p>Rosa sat down beside them, "And this is going to get better, a thousand push-ups." She shot him a meaningful glance.</p><p>"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened I just got so mad." Jake screwed his eyes shut, tears now flowing freely down his face, "I don't know if I can do this."</p><p>"Of course you can, dum-dum. Besides, you're not doing it alone, we've got your back." </p><p>"A thousand push-ups?"</p><p>"Do I even need to answer that?" Jake thought he caught the tiniest glimmer of a smile on Rosa's lips and he finally let himself breathe. After about a million apologies (it still didn't feel like enough), twice as many assurances, and the relentless fluttering of his eyelids through it all, the squad insisted that he go back to sleep. He agreed without much protest. </p><p>His eyes closed to the sound of their familiar breathing, about three too many people barely fitting on one hospital bed- he wasn't complaining- and the rest in chairs close enough for him to reach out and touch. </p><p>It felt good to be with the people who cared about him. It felt like maybe, finally, it was going to be okay.</p><p>For his own sake, they silently agreed never to tell him he'd said that out loud. </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Captain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Second to last chapter!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So, let's go over the plan-"</p><p>"Amy, we've been over the plan a bajillion times," Jake recited, "Obviously, I'm going to take some time off, and you're going to stay with me until I can be alone. My meds will stay in a safe that you have the passcode to and I will take them at 8:00 PM every night. I still have my weekly sessions with Dr. Walker, those are on Thursdays at 6:30 now, and if I need anything else from her, her number is on the fridge and you have it memorized. We're going to spend time with the squad at least once a week so I don't get lonely, and when you go back to work, you'll start out doing reduced hours so I can get used to being by myself again."</p><p>"Wait, you actually remembered all that?" Amy stammered.</p><p>"What? I've changed," Jake smirked at his wife. </p><p>* * *</p><p>A little over a week after Jake's discharge from the hospital, the squad was at Shaw's. Rosa was sitting at the table, arm slung over the back of her chair, one foot up on the seat, Terry was sharing a knowing glance with her as they watched Charles, leaning across the table and yelling drunkenly- actually, Jake's not so sure about that, this would have also been a very normal thing for Sober Charles to do- about some dish from Taiwan and then accidentally spilling his drink all over his beige sweater. Gina had her phone out, shamelessly taking pictures of the whole event with the flash on. And then there was Amy, snorting with laughter. In the dim lights of the bar, she looked like a polaroid: too perfect to be real. Jake took a mental snapshot of the scene, the squad together, laughing with each other, exactly the way it was supposed to be. </p><p>Suddenly, Jake felt sick to his stomach. The squad was picture-perfect, and he didn't belong in the picture, he never had. Jake belonged alone. Not even that, Jake belonged nowhere. Jake shouldn't be here. Jake is staring creepily while his friends are trying to have fun and really should just get out of their way. </p><p>A little over a week ago, he would've stayed silent and let the thoughts eat away at him until he made an excuse to go home. But things were different now.</p><p>He reached over and tapped Amy on the shoulder.</p><p>"What's up?" she'd asked.</p><p>He didn't answer immediately, and at first, he said "nevermind" because let's be real it's only been a week and one person can only make so much progress at one time. </p><p>"No seriously, everything's fine."</p><p>Amy glared at him, but it was concern, not anger, that knotted her brows. </p><p>He took a deep breath, "Actually, everything's not fine."</p><p>"What's wrong, babe?"</p><p>"I don't know, it came out of nowhere. I just don't feel good." Jake's thoughts were racing, heart pumping. It happened every time he told the truth. For a minute, everything would feel worse and he would have to fight the urge to run away or deny everything. Then, the other person would step in, help him through it, and he would remember that talking about feelings wasn't the worst thing in the world. </p><p>"Correction, I feel really bad," he'd said. Of course, Amy knew about all this.</p><p>"This is good, this is progress," she reminded him. He let himself lean against her shoulder.</p><p>Then, she'd twisted her head gracefully, whispering gently into his ear, "I'm glad you told me. I'm so proud of you, Jake."</p><p>Shortly after that, the rest of the squad had noticed. In an instant, Terry was behind Amy, reaching around her to grab Jake's hand. Charles gripped his other one, lips pressed shut to avoid falling apart himself. Gina sat silently on the other side of the table, but Jake didn't have to look at his phone to know that the persistent vibrations coming from it were Gina's flood of supportive texts. Rosa stood behind him with a hand on his shoulder. Her grasp wasn't painful, but firm and anchoring, pulling him back to reality, where his friends did care about him and he did deserve to have them. </p><p>Within 7 minutes, he was okay again. That was a new record. </p><p>* * *</p><p>The point was things were better. That was why Amy had started going back to work. Now, roughly a month since his discharge, she was back to her full hours at the precinct, and Jake was handling it well. He was taking his time to rest and get better like he was supposed to, and if he needed to, he texted Amy. If things got really bad (which only happened like, once or twice), he got in his car and drove to the precinct. Things were getting back to normal now, and it felt good.</p><p>So when Amy came home three hours early, Jake was super confused.</p><p>"Ames, what happened?"</p><p>"My aunt died," she said blankly. Her face, on the other hand, was twisted with far too many feelings to deal with.</p><p>"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" he stuttered. </p><p>"Yeah, we didn't spend a lot of time together. It's weird though, I've always known she was there, and now she's just... not."</p><p>Jake wrapped his arms around her, letting her slump against him.</p><p>"The funeral's this weekend," she whispered guiltily.</p><p>"You aren't thinking of not going because of me, are you?" he gasped. </p><p>"Jake, it's in California." When he stared confusedly at her, she added, "I'm assuming that a funeral isn't the best place for you right now, which means I would have to leave you here for a few days."</p><p>"I'll be fine, you need to go to your aunt's funeral." </p><p>"But I-"</p><p>"Nope, you're going. That's settled, how about we watch Die Hard now?"</p><p>Amy flopped onto the couch.</p><p>"Hit me," she said, rolling her eyes. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Amy's flight was in 8 hours and she was pacing around the apartment like a storm. Somehow, she was simultaneously triple-and-quadruple-checking her suitcase, reminding Jake of the things that he had to do while she was gone, and trying to convince him that she shouldn't be leaving in the first place. </p><p>"Don't worry about me. Holt's going to call me every two hours to make sure I'm okay, and you're only going to be gone a few days. The squad is still going to be here if anything goes wrong, and I will call you if I need anything, I promise." Then, softer, "I'm not going anywhere."</p><p>"You're the best," she mumbled, kissing his cheek as she rushed out the door. Jake didn't respond, only smiling fondly as it shut behind her. </p><p>An hour and a half later, he was on the floor hyperventilating because <em>holy shit, I'm having an anxiety attack again</em> but this time Amy wasn't here to help him and he couldn't go to the precinct because he was in no state to drive. He snatched desperately at his phone, his shaking hands struggling to unlock it, and he called Amy.</p><p>It went to voicemail. </p><p>He tried to remind himself that it was okay. He wasn't really alone, he could call Rosa or Charles or Gina or Terry or even Holt or Kevin if he needed to, and he was breathing so that was good, but it didn't matter. He was stuck in his apartment freaking out for no reason and his wife wasn't answering the phone. </p><p>His phone rang again, this time an incoming call, and a badly-photoshopped picture of his captain hula hooping appeared on the screen. He almost didn't answer.</p><p>"Hello, Peralta. It has been exactly two hours since Santiago departed. How are you faring?"</p><p>Jake didn't respond, unsure how to, but the Captain heard his heaving breaths and got the message.</p><p>"Peralta, are you alright?"</p><p>"Nope, this was a mistake. I need serious help," he tried to sound light-hearted, but it fell flat. </p><p>"Can you drive?" Holt inquired. </p><p>"Not a chance."</p><p>"Thank you for your honesty. I will be there in approximately 23 minutes. Would you like me to remain on the line with you?"</p><p>"Yes," Jake murmured. Holt didn't make him talk much after that. Instead, he listened to his captain's steady, logical voice as he spoke. As promised, Holt, still on the phone, was at his door exactly 23 minutes later. </p><p>Shakily, Jake stood up and opened it.</p><p>"My apologies, I am 41 seconds late." </p><p>Before Jake could say anything, he was encased in a hug from the Captain.</p><p>Rapidly, he tried to explain, "I don't know what happened, I was doing fine but then I was kind of worried about getting anxious because Amy's not here and I kept getting more worried about it so it happened and I hate being alone."</p><p>"It's going to be alright."</p><p>"Sorry for making you drive all the way out here," Jake said, avoiding Holt's gaze.</p><p>"Nonsense, Peralta! Shall we?"</p><p>Jake glanced at him quizzically. </p><p>"You can stay with Kevin and me until Amy returns."</p><p>Jake tried to protest, "I have to work through this eventually, I can't just avoid being alone for the rest of my life."</p><p>"You also cannot avoid getting help when you need it. These things take time."</p><p>"Tushy."</p><p>"Touché-" Holt started.</p><p>"Tushy."</p><p>"Get in the damn car, Peralta."</p><p>* * *</p><p>"Thank you guys so much. You really don't have to do this."</p><p>"Peralta, don't be ridiculous. It is no trouble at all," said Kevin.</p><p>Holt jumped in, "How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Better, I think." Jake gnawed on the corner of his thumbnail. Holt sat down next to him on the couch, assuring him that this was no imposition and that they were happy to help. Jake leaned against the captain, finally relaxing. Ultimately, it was the promise of Kevin's homemade mac and cheese that calmed him. </p><p>"You guys are the best," he sighed contentedly. Holt and Kevin shared a glance filled with affection, both for each other and for the still slightly shaky figure on their couch. </p><p>Jake's phone rang again, this time it was Amy. </p><p>"What happened? Why do I have 8 missed calls from you?" she queried, her voice filled with panic.</p><p>"I'm okay, I just had a little anxiety attack. I'm fine now."</p><p>"I'm so sorry, I was in security when you called. Do you need me to come back? Where is Holt? He should've checked in on you by now-"</p><p>Jake smiled at his wife's rambling, "Amy, he did. I'm at Holt and Kevin's right now, I'm going to stay with them until you get back. You didn't seriously think Holt of all people would forget something like this, did you?"</p><p>"No, of course not! Father has no flaws, I mean, Captain Dad wouldn't do that," she stopped herself.</p><p>Jake chuckled quietly to himself. It was all just so <em>her</em>. </p><p>"I love you, Ames."</p><p>"I love you too, Jake."</p><p>The phone went silent, and Holt summoned him to the kitchen for dinner.</p><p>"Hold up, it's been like 5 minutes. How did you do that?"</p><p>"Kevin has spent a lot of time and effort learning to maximize the efficiency of his cooking. He can prepare most meals in under ten minutes."</p><p>"What? How do you even, you know what I'm not even going to ask."</p><p>* * *</p><p>Holt carefully opened the door to the guest room, "Peralta? What are you doing awake at this ungodly hour?" </p><p>Jake sat on the bed, staring at the wall. He didn't say anything, only pointed his gaze downwards. His nose glowed bright red, it always did when he'd been crying. For most people, it was their cheeks that flushed, but not him. He just had to have the most embarrassing tell ever.</p><p>"Jacob, why aren't you asleep?"</p><p>Jake muttered something too quietly for Holt to hear. </p><p>"What?"</p><p>"M'brain's loud," he repeated. Holt watched as tears began to stream down the detective's face. Wasting no time, he planted himself next to Jake and embraced him. </p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>"What on earth are you apologizing for?"</p><p>Jake bit his lip, "Everyone's been bending over backwards to take care of me: you, Kevin, Amy, the whole squad. You've all been working so hard for me but I can't get better."</p><p>"None of this is your fault, Peralta. Nobody blames you, and you shouldn't either."</p><p>"I know, but maybe if I tried a little bit harder then I wouldn't be like this. I know that's not how it works, but..." </p><p>"Your brain is loud," Holt finished. Jake nodded, grateful to be understood. </p><p>"It doesn't shut up," he groaned. </p><p>"I empathize with that sentiment. Would it help to listen to music?"</p><p>"Maybe, but I don't know if classical flute music would do the trick." Before Jake could even finish the sentence, his ears were filled with the timeless jams of his favorite artist.</p><p>"You have Taylor Swift on your phone?"</p><p>"No, I am playing it from the application YouTube."</p><p>"You really like me!"</p><p>"I officiated your wedding, was that ever in question?"</p><p>Jake let out a long breath.</p><p>"Thanks, Cap'n," he whispered, smirking. </p><p>"It is not a problem."</p><p>A few beats of silence passed before Holt cracked. </p><p>"It's Captain."</p><p>Jake now sported a shit-eating grin.</p><p>"I know."</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Last chapter! </p><p>I'm a little sad. I've been working on this for more than 20 weeks, so it's kind of weird that it's over now.</p><p>Thanks to everyone who left Kudos and Comments and also to everyone who read this far, I appreciate your support. </p><p>If you liked I Love You and I'm Sorry, then don't worry. I will be writing more fics from one-shots to big multi-chapter ones like this. I may even start taking requests- speaking of which, if you want me to do that, please let me know. </p><p>Thank you,<br/>- try_again_love</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the elevator dinged, nobody knew what to expect. Sometimes, it brought a coveted witness, one who would bring an important lead. Other times, it bore a fearful victim, coming in nervously to report a crime. On a rare day, it held someone cherished by the squad, a significant other, or a member of one's immediate family, someone who hadn't been to the precinct in a long time. Today was one of those rare days. </p><p>The doors slid open to a wide, vibrant grin. It was the face of someone who was coming home.</p><p>"Welcome to the party, pal."</p><p>Rosa raised an eyebrow, "Shouldn't we be saying that to you?" </p><p>Jake glared back at her, "That's not the point, Rosa."</p><p>"Dumbass," she snorted.</p><p>Jake pulled her in for a hug as she rolled her eyes in annoyance. </p><p>"It's good to have you back, Detective," Holt said, a glimmer of fondness briefly crossing his face. </p><p>Jake opened his mouth to speak but shut it again, his face screwed up with emotion.</p><p>Charles darted across the room, screeching to a halt in front of his best friend.</p><p>"Jakey, are you okay?"</p><p>"I'm fine, I just love you guys a lot." He allowed Charles to give him a hug, one that was soon joined by the rest of the squad, Terry, Holt, Gina, Rosa (begrudgingly), and Amy. </p><p>"Actually, I'm kind of nervous," Jake whispered. </p><p>Amy took his hand, "Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>He gripped her tighter, "I don't know if I can do this."</p><p>"Gurl, please. Of course, you can. Besides, you're gonna have these losers to help you out, and since you knew me before the G-Hive, you have my phone number."</p><p>"I knew you before the G-Hive too, but you still make me call through your personal assistant," Amy whined.</p><p>"See Jakey? It's a privilege," Gina smirked.</p><p>"She's right, we're all going to be looking out for you," the Sarge promised. </p><p>"You guys are the best, seriously," Jake mumbled into Terry's shirt. </p><p>Terry and Holt shared a look.</p><p>"If things get too much for you to handle, you have to let one of us know. We're your superior officers, which means it's our job to make sure you're performing at your best. And we also care about you, a lot," Terry began. </p><p>Holt nodded, "We are willing to make accommodations for your health and wellbeing. The Lieutenant is right; you need to allow us to assist you."</p><p>Rosa stepped in, "We're a squad. We have to take care of each other, and you know, gross stuff like trust."</p><p>Jake let a genuine smile cross his face before laughing and poking Rosa, "You sound like the Swedes."</p><p>"Oh God, shut up."</p><p>"You love me."</p><p>"I said, shut up." </p><p>"You didn't deny it."</p><p>"I will break your face."</p><p>"Got it," he stopped, "You still didn't deny it though."</p><p>Without giving Rosa a chance to respond, Jake turned and ran. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Amy pulled him aside after the reunion was over. He followed her out to the balcony. </p><p>"We're implementing a new system."</p><p>Jake stared at her questioningly, "Huh?"</p><p>"From now on, if you have a problem at work and you want to talk to me in private, put something random on my desk, like a pen or a mug. Then, I'll take you somewhere we can talk, and if it's something we need to let Holt or the Sarge know, we'll do that too."</p><p>Jake smiled. He was still nervous, but he knew that was okay because he had so many people who were going to help him through this. </p><p>"That way, you don't have to tell me directly that something's up, because I know that's hard for you," Amy finished. </p><p>"I'll get there eventually," he beamed, "because I have an amazing wife who gets me. And not only does she love and care for me, but she's also super smart, beautiful, ambitious, and dedicated because she's perfect as her own person and not just as my husband."</p><p>"That's funny, I have an awesome husband who's funny, brave, works hard, and his butt is the bomb."</p><p>"You're everything."</p><p>"You're going to kick depression and anxiety in the ass."</p><p>He gently pressed his lips to hers.</p><p>"I love you, Ames."</p><p>"I love you too. Now shut up and kiss me."</p><p>Jake had no trouble complying. </p>
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